Friday’s Top 3

1.       A homeless orphan was turned away from work earliertoday by the Tea Party supporterMelissa Brookstone, asmall business owner eating steak and sipping earl gray, who has vowed to stophiring to stand up to ‘the new dictator.’ Tea Party supporters congratulate her on her move to further slow the economy and increaseunemployment rates across the nation.

2.       Angry New Yorkers andOWS protesters close heated meeting with an agreement and three talking points withinhours—individuals then left to present the conference “Conflict Resolution” toCongress.

3.      Obama gets a scare when his Ohioapproval ratings drop, becoming more disheartened to learn that Romneyis in fact in touch with the middle class by paying only 14% in taxes—less thanthe average teacher or cop.

Read Me on Your Commute to Work

1. Clinton and Karzai finally find common ground, laughingat Cain’s “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-sta” comment.

2. Zanesville, Ohio Sheriff stated that all 49 exotic animalswere, in fact, killed, including eighteen Bengal Tigers, which were on the Red List ofThreatened Species. Nice.

3. Snails can be beautiful.

4. Gaddafi is captured, finally.

5. Illegals is written into the dictionary under Romney’sgroundskeeper. 

5 Lunchtime Topics

1.   World Health Organization to use GOP debatersfor new case study associated with the recent influx of bullying—specifically honingin to compare the ‘My War Chest is Bigger than Your War Chest’ spatbetween Romney and Perry to the ‘My Daddy has More Money than Your Daddy’playground brawls worldwide.

2.   Bank of America’s workers get the day off to grievetheir fall to 2nd place, behind JP Morgan. Disheartened, Brian T. Moynihan, BOA CEO choked-up as he said ‘At least we‘re not like Goldman, we‘re never going to have to occupy.’ GoldmanSachs experiences its first loss since the financial crisis—$428M in 3rd qtr—prompting an emergency ‘Do We Occupy Wall Street Too’ meeting.

3.   Harrowing—the word of the day—gets written in thedictionary beside the following three individuals: Linda Ann Weston, Thomas Gregory, and Eddie Wright for chaining three mentally disabled people to their basement, one to a radiator, and stealing their social security checks—unforunately their contact information was not released. 

4.   The Godfather of Pizza admits he was referringto a his new ‘Saturday Night Special’ not an economic plan when he spoke of his999 plan—Buy 9 Pizzas with 9 Toppings, Get 9 Pizzas.

5.   Perry uses part of his war chest to do aninvestigation that will air tonight on CNN called ‘Hiring Illegal’s: Trials and Tribulations of a Lying Mormon.’

Refresh Button Syndrome

Are you one of the 3 million people currently suffering fromRefresh Button Syndrome (RBS)? Daily thousands of new cases are being diagnosedaround the globe. If you are experiencing any of the following symptoms, pleasesee your Physician immediately.

Signs and symptoms include but are not limited to:

·        Calluosing of the Fingertips

·        Habitual ‘Emergency Restroom Breaks’ duringclosed door meetings

·        Isolation from family and friends

·        Atrophy of lower extremities or Flat Ass (FA)

·        Spinal Cord Compression

·        Profuse  sweating when Refresh Button (RB) is out ofreach

·        IBS during commutes

·        Insomnia resulting from concern for RB’s safety

·        Feelings of destitution when you haven’t Refreshed

·        Continual Silent Nail Bed Picking (SNBP) time

·        Fear of loss of self-control during poweroutages

·        Nightmares of RB running from you and/or RB sticking

·        Feelings of ownership or domination of the RB

·        Excessive concern for RB’s feelings

·        Uncontrolled jealousy for F4 and F6

10 Things You Would Have Known if You Weren’t Cleaning Poo

1. Hoping Blackberry users will have some downtime after their recent downtime, Blackberryoffers Bejeweledas compensation to the 50 million people for the four day outage.

2. Publisher’sanxieties increase as Amazoncontinues to take over the world by now publishing books.

3. Trump and hishair think that Obama should stop Occupy Wall Street protests.

4. HermanCain is still running for President—most importantly, people are still watchinghim.

5. Eminemturns 39 today, and even though his palms are sweaty, knees weak, and arms are heavy he’s going to ask Beyonce’s baby bump to marry.

6. Inan effort to abolish all physical activity,McDonalds introduces TV’s in their restaurants—just in case kids had a notionto swing.

7. Unemployment ratesare the lowest they’ve been all year, why are you still Occupying Wall Street?

8. Citigroup only gained 74%last quarter—their seventh consecutive quarterly profit. Vikram S. Pandit, Citigroups Chief Executive claims his biggest fear is that he'll become part of the .012 percent.

9. EvenChina labels food if it’s been genetically altered; they also run over childrenand look the other way.

10.SteveJobs to perform his last miracle on October 19 from 1-2 EST.  Apple stores across the nation will haveno lines as they close for his memorial.

Occupy (yawn) Wall Street

Bill Clintonsaid it best, but I said it first. Come on you were the President, so maybeyour delivery was better. Your approach will get you nowhere. With no clearleadership, and no apparent objectives, you continue to just increase traffic. Yes,Tahrir was a grassroots movement as well, but they had a definitive goal. Whatis your goal? You're continuously saying ‘We don’t need a leader, were here as the99%.’ Ok, well that's bullshit, and you'll still be the 99% in sixmonths. When you say you’re the 99%, you’re essentially saying I have a leg.You get no special treatment by having a leg. I’ll help you and write thescript for your new signs pro-bono.

‘I Have A Leg, This is So Not Over'

‘I Have A Leg and Have Been Robbed of my Future’

‘Were not Fish, Fish don’t have Legs, Put away the Nets’

‘Ignore Me and My Leg- Go Shopping’

‘Police—Protecting and Serving the Shit out of My Leg’

‘People with Legs have Rights-Defend Occupy Wall Street’

‘People with Legs over Profit’

‘Arrest One of Our Legs and Two More Legs will Appear. We are Legs and Weare Many. You Can’t Arrest an Idea, We are the Legs.’

'My Leg is Waking Up. Be Nervous. Be Very Nervous. Marie Antoinette Wasn't.'

Pregnant Marathon Runner

When I got down on my hands and knees and begged God toinduce me spiritually, I knew my tolerance for pregnancy had ended. I stoppedmy two mile run within my first 6 weeks as a consequence of projectile vomitingall along Peachtree Street. Amber Miller ran 26 miles and then delivered ababy. When I was 39 weeks pregnant I had to rock myself back and forth to gainenough momentum to get out of bed. I crawled to my midwife and begged forinduction—you just can’t fake that kind of misery. And to imagine running? Waddlingswiftly was a stretch. Every woman congratulates you, envies you, and scornsyou for making pregnancy look like a cake walk. How did you hold your bladder that long? sh line of the Chicago Marah

Tuesday’s Top 8 – I would rather it be a whole number too

Breaking News Today

1.      In a closed captioning interview Bill Keller revealsthat The New York Times is, wait for it, Socially Liberal.

2.     Geraldo made an unwanted guest appearance atOccupy Wall Street and had the audacity to bring his mustache with him.

3.     Besides protests against the 1%, women protesterspicket in Chicago in opposition to the .00000001% 39 Weeks Pregnant MarathonRunner’s damaging exposure that debilitating pregnancy is a hoax.

4.     Romney won’t say whether his campaign is fundingthe recently universal ‘I Am Mormon’ ads.

5.     Occupy Wall Street protesters are not Fox News’target demographic, and with a shocking twist still don't unify.

6.     Hank Williams Jr. sings rebuttal song to MondayNight Football in shower.

7.     Amanda Knox declines Vivid Entertainment’srequest for spokesperson, she’s been humiliated enough after being unlawfullyjailed for four years.

8.      NBA cancels two weeks of the regular sessionbecause players and owners can’t decide on a fair split of $4 Billion—TNT andESPN to air reruns of natural disasters and genocides as a fill in.

Got Pus?

1% Got Pus? A reason the 99% may protest.

Who’s disturbed that your cappuccino was coated with pus? Unless it’sorganic, your milk is served with the Bovine GrowthHormone (BGH), a GeneticallyModified Food (GMO) manufacturedby Monsanto and injected into cows bi-monthly, forcing them to produce moremilk than their bodies are able to naturally. The Land of the Free refuses tolabel GMOs—even though countries such as China and Russia label theirs. Along with pus, you are also taking in illegal antibiotics, and cancer accelerating hormones. Nice!

Let’s talk pus. Pus is addedto your milk when the cows get udder infection’s called mastitis.

Child rearing women know howexciting mastitis is, but for everyone else, this is an unbearably painfulinfection in which your boobs have their own heartbeat. Cows get mastitis whenthey are generating an unnatural amount of milk. Mastitis equals more pus,which is then squeezed in to your milk cartridge. How thoughtful. I can offeryou tea, coffee, or milk with puss?

We now must to give thesecows antibiotics—we certainly don’t want the infections to diminish their milksupply. Thankfully, the FDA tests the milk for high levels of legal antibiotics.If these are found in the milk, the farmers are fined. As an avoidance, thefarmers use illegal antibiotics—the ones the FDA doesn’t test for—to treat thecow’s mastitis. Who’s feeling a bit uneasy?

Now we can talk cancer. BGHworks by increasing the growth hormone (gIGF-1) in cows—multiplying cellsrapidly and forcing the cows to generate more milk. This growth hormone(gIGF-1) is then transferred into your milk—making you more susceptible to cancer, because as we all know cancer is just the uncontrolled growth ofabnormal cells. This growth hormone is not destroyed during pasteurization or digestion, making it biologically active inhumans, and associated with numerous cancers including breast, prostate, and colon cancers.

So unless you have a desirefor your children or animals to grow boobs, take in illegal antibiotics and bemore prone to cancer I would buy milk labeled Non rBGH. As long as your childrendrink milk or eat butter, ice cream, cheese, or yogurt with BGH they are eatingpus.

Thank you to Ari Levaux for your article about GMO (Genetically ModifiedOrganisms).


http://technorati.com/lifestyle/green/article/1-got-pus/

Glorified Snuggies

Cloaks

Honestly, these are vile. Would you wear a quilt to pick up milk? Theseshouldn’t be worn privately, let alone flaunted to run errands. Ladies, cloaksare the enemy. These designers were thoughtless about your reputation. Apparently,women eager to experience a different era are driving this movement. I would trygoing to the Renaissance Festival—these consequences are much less dire.

According to Estee Stanley, who has worked with actresses such asJessica Biel, “Cloaks just have that polished, put-together feeling that youdon’t always get from a jacket or trench coat.” I’m clueless what is polished aboutcloaks. Awkward comes to mind, along with a Goodwill donation, but not polished.Isn’t this just a comforter with a hole?

As a reference, I am enclosing a picture of a ‘confused model’ wearing aglorified snuggie. Evidently, even trained professionals don’t know how to wearan afghan.

Pinoy Superman

Who is the only man to admit he has thigh implants? HerbertChavez, aka Pinoy Superman is a beauty pageant trainer who has undergoneplastic surgery since 1995 to morph into Superman.  Not only did he attach hips to his body, buthe opted for a butt chin. Who opts for a butt chin? Herbert Chavez. PinoySuperman has his own FB fan page. Unfortunately, the only activity is fromAngelina Danda, who appears to be around 6 years old, asking Pinoy Superman“Who are you”?

Thankfully, Pinoy tells us exactly who he is underhis bio “Well, i'm here to fightfor truth, justice and Filipino way...”

Next move? He’s traveling to Japan to increase hisheight.

Bra Whisperer

Can I piggyback onto Beth Rothstein's  Female Journos Flock to the Bra Whisperer? After getting fit at Intimacy, I developed a new relationship with my bosoms. Life altering experience is an understatement. Before the Bra Whisperer, I was ignorant to the consequence of not keeping my bosoms on constant lockdown—living blissfully under the ruse that gravity was lawless in this region of my body. My revelation came shortly after the delivery of my babe when I became certain there was a leak in our roof, only to discover that the leak was my right breast overflowing. Engorgement is a belittlement. I couldn’t bend over because the pain resulting from the rush of blood to my teats was unbearable. I clothed them in frozen cabbage to reduce their heart beat. Being brave proved impossible—I wept each time she needed feeding. The day of dread arrived when my milk withered. I was 30 and my boobs were 89 years old—they looked as if they had been ironed. The Bra Whisperer both liberated and transformed my uppers into portable implants within 15 minutes. If you yearn for your boobs to linger above your beltline, but the idea of an incision makes you squeamish, Intimacy is the place to go. A word to the wise—the Bra Whisperer will advise you to begin your collection with 7-10 bras, but I couldn’t fathom spending a thousand dollars on a bra wardrobe, so I left with two. Whether wearing light or dark colors, I will maintain my 19 year old physic. Thank you Oprah, for recommending the Bra Whisperer, now I have assets similar to the Kardashians.
http://technorati.com/women/article/bra-whisperer/

Rod Stewart Memoir

Rod Stewart’s memoir is scheduled to be released in 2012,possibly titled, “Some Guys Have all theLuck, Some Guys Have all the Pain.” I have “A Reason to Believe” it’s notgoing to be a National Bestseller, but “Time after Time” lame memoirs getinternational attention. So, “People Get Ready,” this memoir may just surpriseyou.

“Maggie May” or may not be mentioned in the memoir. Beingthe first person to “Oh La La” Rod hasleft her bitter as she is accustomed to calling him late at night repeating “IfLoving You Is Wrong, I don’t Want to be Right,” to which Rob replies, “I’vealready written a song about you ‘Maggie May, I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warmnow’”—he claims to have written the song because he’ll never be able to “GetBack” what she took from him.

Anyway, “It’s All Over Now,” as the book is in its lastrounds. We can guess he’ll ramble on about beating thyroid cancer in 2000. ButI have “A Reason to Believe” Rod is going to speak more about “Ain’t Love aBitch the 3^rd Time” around. Here are some milestones we can expectto be in the memoir.

·       Rod’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall ofFame in 1994.  Most of us thought “It’sAll Over Now,” but Rod took “This Old Heart Of Mine” on a “Downtown Train” toget “Cigarettes and Alcohol” to celebrate by “Twistin the Night Away.”

·       Recently Rod was asked about his obsession withFerraris—he  owns 400. He justified thisby saying “They Can’t Take That Away from Me.”

·        Rod did receive his star on the Hollywood Walkof Fame in 2005 but “Didn’t Want To Talk About It.”

·       When heguest hosted American Idol in 2006, his hand was slapped when he noted the “HotLegs” of the only female contestant,he still claims “He Was Only Joking.”

·      Most importantly in 2006 James Brown called himthe best white singer. Rod wept openly as he told James, “You Can Make MeDance, Sing, Anything.” Very profound.

Rod wrote the memoir “All for Love”and begs his fans to buy it and read it as soon as it’s published because “That’sWhat Friends are For.”
http://bit.ly/qIjUwm

Woman Shamed into Holding Press Conference

Woman Shamed into Holding Press Conference

Atlanta, GA –A local Homemaker was disgraced early Friday morning by blatantly ignoring The Man WhoChecks the Meters (MWCM).

According a prying eye-witness, “The MWCM knocked on  Homemaker’s door until he wasblue in the face. He’s the finest meter reader we’ve ever had; he’s good, realgood. Always reading the meter accurate, and so forth. I don’t know why she ignoredhim, it was dirty. A meter reader like that, well, few and far between, few andfar between.”

Homemaker, who didn’t want to disclose her name,and will wear a mask and cloak during the Press Conference, “feels like a childwho got caught picking her nose.”

She takes ownership of her part of thealtercation, yet, still defends heraffirmation that she “wasn’t in the mood to socialize”. According to Homemaker,“Pointing blame will get us nowhere.”

Homemaker sobbed as she recounted the troublesome event, “I was just typing away,listening to the door bell ring, and clearly ignoring him. When I felt him peeringat me through a side window, I ran to hide again in the kitchen. My daughtersquirmed to freedom and as a last resort, I knew I had to go to the door andspeak to him with my head hung. He was very cordial, but I knew I had hurt him,and I’m sorry. This PTSD is overwhelming. I awake with panic attacks, and theMWCM haunts me in my dreams. Always ringing, my doorbell, and I can never getup off the couch fast enough to answer it.”

Homemaker plans to hold a Press Conferenceearly next week to apologize to all MWCM and to plead to all other Homemakers tomove beyond the stigma associated with MWCM. As Homemaker learned, “They really aregood people. We should answer the door, even if they don’t catch us hiding.”

MWCM did not want to comment for this article.

Missed Connections

You had a prosthetic leg and suggestive hair. We talked of mechanics and the sun's rotation. I was long winded, and your halitosis was off the charts. I suggested a stroll, but your clanking proved unbearable. I left early for Preston, my Angora Rabbit. I returned to find you had left, but forgotten your leg. A keepsake? Ricky

Occupy Wall Street

Have we really resorted to banging drums and shaking tambourines to influence government policy? Since September 17 we have, and with little to no results or reactions except some pepper spray to the face, which if you saw the reactions of the women it harmed it seemed equivalent to birthing pains. Influenced by Tahir square, Adbusters blogged a call to action on July 13, requesting  “to see 20,000 people flood into lower Manhattan, set up tents, kitchens, peaceful barricades and occupy Wall Street for a few months.”

Unfortunately, the unification is missing. Tahrir had one clear message, ‘Mubarak must go’. Occupy Wall Street has made the trek and on day 10 it’s imperative to not get steamrolled, as the unification is the same as it has always been, 'Democracy Not Corporatocracy'. Apparently, you would be hard pressed to find any clear leadership role. Get your unified message together, and pin down a leader. Right now you are just causing traffic and small businesses are losing money; presumably the very people you are there to help.

Saudi Women to Vote in 2015....

Finally, the Saudi monarch grants women the right to vote. This is scheduled to take place in 2015. Women in Saudi Arabia still can't drive. In fact, Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that prohibits women from driving. Sadly these same women have to have a male's permission to have surgery. However, it seems the country is progressing. Thank you King Abdullah. Or more appropriately  thank you to the female protesters in June, who are beyond courageous. Of course, out of all the networks covering the historical event, FOX News was the only network to have negative feedback regarding the issue.

6 Ton Satellite

Best case scenario ends with the 26 pieces silently eliminating a few cancers in our culture. Top five as follows1. Heidi Montag - Unfortunately cosmetic surgery unemployment rates would soar, however advertising during burial would boost our ever decreasing economic downfall. Plus, who is Spencer sans Heidi? Two for one combo elimination. 2. Pig Thieves - Lead investigator Marc Chadderddon could finally sleep, "My guess is they're baking in pork chops right now", and Midwest pig farmers in Lafayette Minnesota could get back to pork.3. Ali Abdullah Salah - N/A4. Booing Crowd - Children are killing themselves because of backlash like this from bully's; you must be the parents raising them.5. TSA Employee - Tax dollars saved. Did you really think she was a terrorist?

How to Cheat a Kennedy and live to tell about it?

Arnold Schwarzenegger's new memoir is to be released by Simon & Schuster in October of 2012. The tentative title is 'Total Recall', although I think the question all of us are asking is a bit more title relevant. Some of the chapters of Schwarzenegger's memoir are as follows:

1. As an immigrant myself, I wanted to father one
2. Steroids and how they made me famous
3. I have a museum built in my honor, here's how....
4. Controlling the hired help
5. I am awesome

Events like this make me want to crawl into a hole with my daughter. How can I protect her? My awkward period lasted for 12 years, so at some point I became accustomed to being blacklisted, but when did bullying become so atrocious that children are killing themselves to avoid it? What happened to this child from the time of the video until his death, and why weren’t theses signs noticed? Suicide is the third leading cause of death for youth ages 15-24.

"I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. What do I have to do so people will listen to me?" Jamey Rodemeyer wrote these words on Sept. 9.

This is what was written on his social netowrking sites prior to his suicide. What are parents doing to stop this? Who is educating our children???

"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!"

"I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"