1.A homeless orphan was turned away from work earliertoday by the Tea Party supporterMelissa Brookstone, asmall business owner eating steak and sipping earl gray, who has vowed to stophiring to stand up to ‘the new dictator.’ Tea Party supporters congratulate her on her move to further slow the economy and increaseunemployment rates across the nation.
2.Angry New Yorkers andOWS protesters close heated meeting with an agreement and three talking points withinhours—individuals then left to present the conference “Conflict Resolution” toCongress.
3.Obama gets a scare when his Ohioapproval ratings drop, becoming more disheartened to learn that Romneyis in fact in touch with the middle class by paying only 14% in taxes—less thanthe average teacher or cop.
1.Clintonand Karzai finally find common ground, laughingatCain’s“Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-sta” comment.
2. Zanesville, Ohio Sheriff stated that all 49exoticanimalswere, in fact, killed, including eighteen Bengal Tigers, which were on the Red List ofThreatened Species. Nice.
1.World Health Organization to use GOP debatersfor new case study associated with the recent influx of bullying—specifically honingin to compare the ‘My War Chest is Bigger than Your War Chest’ spatbetween Romney and Perry to the ‘My Daddy has More Money than Your Daddy’playground brawls worldwide.
2.Bank of America’s workers get the day off to grievetheir fall to 2nd place, behind JP Morgan. Disheartened, Brian T. Moynihan, BOA CEO choked-up as he said ‘At least we‘re not like Goldman, we‘re never going to have to occupy.’ GoldmanSachs experiences its first loss since the financial crisis—$428M in 3rd qtr—prompting an emergency ‘Do We Occupy Wall Street Too’ meeting.
3.Harrowing—the word of the day—gets written in thedictionary beside the following three individuals: Linda Ann Weston, Thomas Gregory, and Eddie Wright for chaining three mentally disabled people to their basement, one to a radiator, and stealing their social security checks—unforunately their contact information was not released.
4.The Godfather of Pizza admits he was referringto a his new ‘Saturday Night Special’ not an economic plan when he spoke of his999 plan—Buy 9 Pizzas with 9 Toppings, Get 9 Pizzas.
5.Perry uses part of his war chest to do aninvestigation that will air tonight on CNN called ‘Hiring Illegal’s: Trials and Tribulations of a Lying Mormon.’
1.In a closed captioning interview Bill Keller revealsthat The New York Times is, wait for it, Socially Liberal.
2.Geraldo made an unwanted guest appearance atOccupy Wall Street and had the audacity to bring his mustache with him.
3.Besides protests against the 1%, women protesterspicket in Chicago in opposition to the .00000001% 39 Weeks Pregnant MarathonRunner’s damaging exposure that debilitating pregnancy is a hoax.
4.Romney won’t say whether his campaign is fundingthe recently universal ‘I Am Mormon’ ads.
5.Occupy Wall Street protesters are not Fox News’target demographic, and with a shocking twist still don't unify.
6.Hank Williams Jr. sings rebuttal song to MondayNight Football in shower.
7.Amanda Knox declines Vivid Entertainment’srequest for spokesperson, she’s been humiliated enough after being unlawfullyjailed for four years.
8.NBA cancels two weeks of the regular sessionbecause players and owners can’t decide on a fair split of $4 Billion—TNT andESPN to air reruns of natural disasters and genocides as a fill in.