Friday’s Top 3

1.       A homeless orphan was turned away from work earliertoday by the Tea Party supporterMelissa Brookstone, asmall business owner eating steak and sipping earl gray, who has vowed to stophiring to stand up to ‘the new dictator.’ Tea Party supporters congratulate her on her move to further slow the economy and increaseunemployment rates across the nation.

2.       Angry New Yorkers andOWS protesters close heated meeting with an agreement and three talking points withinhours—individuals then left to present the conference “Conflict Resolution” toCongress.

3.      Obama gets a scare when his Ohioapproval ratings drop, becoming more disheartened to learn that Romneyis in fact in touch with the middle class by paying only 14% in taxes—less thanthe average teacher or cop.

10 Things You Would Have Known if You Weren’t Cleaning Poo

1. Hoping Blackberry users will have some downtime after their recent downtime, Blackberryoffers Bejeweledas compensation to the 50 million people for the four day outage.

2. Publisher’sanxieties increase as Amazoncontinues to take over the world by now publishing books.

3. Trump and hishair think that Obama should stop Occupy Wall Street protests.

4. HermanCain is still running for President—most importantly, people are still watchinghim.

5. Eminemturns 39 today, and even though his palms are sweaty, knees weak, and arms are heavy he’s going to ask Beyonce’s baby bump to marry.

6. Inan effort to abolish all physical activity,McDonalds introduces TV’s in their restaurants—just in case kids had a notionto swing.

7. Unemployment ratesare the lowest they’ve been all year, why are you still Occupying Wall Street?

8. Citigroup only gained 74%last quarter—their seventh consecutive quarterly profit. Vikram S. Pandit, Citigroups Chief Executive claims his biggest fear is that he'll become part of the .012 percent.

9. EvenChina labels food if it’s been genetically altered; they also run over childrenand look the other way.

10.SteveJobs to perform his last miracle on October 19 from 1-2 EST.  Apple stores across the nation will haveno lines as they close for his memorial.