Let's Teach Our Children to Lie, Cheat, and Steal!!

[adsenseyu5] An elementary school in Dallas, Texas was given exemplary status--the highest possible academic status--for academic achievement. Sadly, these teachers only taught Reading and Math--the only subjects for which the student's are tested--to their 3rd graders last year. The teachers just invented grades for the other subjects the students should have been taking. So Johnny's 'A' in Social Studies was an invention by his teacher, Mrs. Dbag. He actually missed a full academic year of school in this subject. Parents however, didn't know this, because the school didn't notify them of the curriculum change.

Followed closely behind Texas, is Connecticut with the Idiot Award for slapping cheating teachers with 25 hours of community service, which includes tutoring after-school children. Nine of the twelve accused are teaching once more. 1. Go to school 2. Pick up child 3. Transfer.

This of course is right on the heels of an incident in Atlanta where teachers changed student's answers last July. DC is now under investigation also after a suspicious hike in test scores.

Statistics show that one out of four 3rd graders who have lived in poverty and are not reading at grade level will drop out or fail to graduate by 19--a rate more than 6 times that of proficient readers. If given the option to take my child out of a corrupt public school or wait for the system to fix itself, more parents than not would chose to give their child a better education. This leaves children who can't afford a more expensive education to pay for the defects in our education system. It's honestly maddening. The Federal Education Department's budget is bait for schools whose teachers are spending too much money on erasers and not enough time teaching the next generation. Our Children deserve much better.

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Duggar Clan

Let's talk about Michelle Duggar and her offspring. During my one pregnancy, my body convinced me it was actually melatonin factory. I was in bed more than your average house cat. During the end of my gestation I had to rock back and forth to gain enough momentum to roll on my side, and then roll on the floor to freedom from my bed's embrace. I still do kegels at stop lights to stop the pee that will most definitely haunt me during my daily runs. Not sure my hips ever readjusted. After my introduction to Post Partum, I vowed never to meet her again. My bosom's had zero volume after I breastfed. Do Michelle's looked steam pressed? I'm not going to touch on sleep deprivation here--I fear I've still not caught up.

The 19 children, whose names all begin with 'J' and range in ages from 23 months to 23 years, and are home schooled. All 'Js' get quality time with their parents as Mr. Duggar works at home, which allows him to cart the children with him to run errands. Which leads me to believe they must own a school bus.

It is the Duggar's right to have as many children as they want, after all only 19k people died of hunger today. They continue to reproduce for valid reasons. Mrs. Duggar said 'they didnt want to stop at an odd number', which is a more than logical. No one wants to have an odd number in their whole family. I however think the real reason they continue reproducing is to dominate China as the world's biggest carbon footprint.

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While You Were Rearing

Kim Kardashian's $18 million dollar wedding was still running on E-News when she filed for divorce. This break-up is the biggest cultural moment of reality television. On a side note, 10 million people have fallen below the line of poverty in the last four years--a family of four lives on less than $22,000 a month. Kim and Kris spent $250,000 for every day of their marriage. Interesting.  

Governor Perry has flown for free more than 200 times thanks to wealthy donors and corporate executives. Livestock owners flew Perry to Washington for an EPA meeting with the hopes of limiting amounts of corn-based ethanol in gasoline because of price increases. How do we think Perry voted--campaign finance reform anyone?

[caption id="attachment_215" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Is this the Livestock Owner?"][/caption]

The GOP wants to end  finger-pointing, so Perry please ask your aid to stop abusing the Godfather. Cain's reaction to the witch-hunt has changed as more scandals surface. Initially he talked about the target on his back, then he hunkered down,  finally there are rumors he's changing his pizza logo to "You Cant Have Your Special Sauce and Eat it Too."

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Wednesday's Words of Wisdom

Cotton prices are increasing due to water shortages leaving business concerned.  Levi's is so concerned they are now suggesting we wash our jeans in cold water--if at all. We can easily kill these germs by simply freezing them to death. A little cohabitation of your jeans germs and frozen veggies. The Greek Government has plunged into chaos over the debt crisis. Prime Minister Papandreou no longer has the support of his people, even his own party has asked him to step down, allowing Americans to finally take a deep breath--at least the US Government isn't alone in its demise.

Bank of America has decided not to charge customers a 5 dollar fee for each use of their debit card. Sadly, this was decided by BoA only after larger banks backed out of this protocol. Way to take initiative BoA. You could have been the first bank to lose all your customers in one day.

A new study shows that even 3 drinks a week increases the risks for breast cancer in women. The good news is that this study produces different results weekly so, just keep consuming.

In Harlem, a little bolt fueled a huge fire. Literally, a single nut on a fuel injector wasn't tightened and was the culprit of a large fire earlier this year. Small things do make a difference. Yes you should pass this along.

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Sharks

Breaking news was reported earlier today when a shark was spotted circling in the ocean. Locals are outraged, "Not only was he in his habitat, but got hungry and  tried to eat." The US Government has issued a state of emergency for the city and locals have called a Town Hall meeting. The mayor was quoted saying "it don't matter that they've been around millions of years, this here shark isn't native, and hes gotta go." The number of volunteers has been exhausted and harpoons around the state have been sold out  indefinitely.

PooPoo Potty's Wrath

She nodded off on our ride home. I needed more than just NPR to feel productive today—I had to stall nap time. I changed lanes hoping the sun would startle her, turned up the music, sang loudly. Made a phone call using key words: bottle, outside, dog. My efforts proved futile. At home, I tiptoed around the car, opening her door with the speed of a windmill on a calm day. I removed her by installments, coming to a standstill if she moved. I eyed the dog so he’d know to keep quiet. I made like a teepee to put her down, pinning my arms underneath her body—the crib supporting me in the Heimlich.From the side I was a perfect upside down ‘ V.’ I eased my arms out like I had invented this technique. Numb from the waist down, I stood slowly, as if at gunpoint and walked backward out of the bedroom, isn’t this how the Indians did it? Just beginning my victory dance, I heard ‘Poopoo Potty.’

I checked to call her bluff, but unfortunately this was valid. I saw her jeans begin to darken slowly from diaper to shoes—muchlike water’s dominance over paper towels. Yes this was a Poopoo Potty, site words check. I hoisted her to the shower head fully clothed—fearful of PoopooPotty’s wrath. She had eaten something vile at daycare—the smell was unbearable. Her jeans morphed into a wet suit. I laid her in the tub to set herfree—yanking and tugging at her clothing as the shower head massaged both of us.With each milestone, a splash of Poopoo Potty launched to places I’ll never find. For the finale, the drain filled to capacity and clogged. Emergency evacuation. I lifted my trophy up, her wetsuit becoming lost in the Poopoo’s water. There would be no nap today.

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Sitzing

My assumption is that the sitz bath is introduced only afterdeliver because it prompts such ghastly images of illness its certain to scareanyone into abstinence. “Your Body: Post Pregnancy” books aren’t best sellersfor a reason. I was sure my midwife was confusing me with another patient inthe geriatric wing when she asked how my sitzing was coming along.

Sitz was a mustard colored training toilet that proved to beuncomfortable, cold, and uninviting—with a companion bag that I mistook as aurine caddy. I soaked in room temperature water while my feet rested on tilesof ice—I even used a wheel chair on each journey to the john. The ‘urinal bag’ camewithout a perch so I had to continuously elevate it above the laws of physics forthe water to flow properly. When my perched arm became partially numb andtingly, I would then use my free arm to brace it, with my thigh acting as abase. My perched arm would eventually numb entirely. At that point, I would switchsides, and back and forth the ‘urinal bag’ would go until I had sitzedentirely.

I neglected Sitz at home until images of perineum deformity began to haunt me. One day out of fear,I kept my appointment. The baby began to cry during my meeting. Someone elsepicked her up. My friendship with Sitz began that day. I used my time with Sitzto social network and text without interruption—I became available. Ouralliance was strong. With Sitz I had both peace and solidarity—I was once againan individual. I became ambitious about being with Sitz—often ‘forgetting’ Ihad already spent my allowance with her that day.

My midwife was dumbfounded to learn I was still spending somuch time with Sitz. I was an anomaly. No one actually kept these appointments.I felt like I had just won a triathlon by cheating. I parted with Sitz after myappointment—a bitter-sweet farewell. I wanted to bury her—with a note inremembrance, she had become part of me—instead I placed her gently into therecycling bin, hoping she could bless someone in her next life as she had me.

Refresh Button Syndrome

Are you one of the 3 million people currently suffering fromRefresh Button Syndrome (RBS)? Daily thousands of new cases are being diagnosedaround the globe. If you are experiencing any of the following symptoms, pleasesee your Physician immediately.

Signs and symptoms include but are not limited to:

·        Calluosing of the Fingertips

·        Habitual ‘Emergency Restroom Breaks’ duringclosed door meetings

·        Isolation from family and friends

·        Atrophy of lower extremities or Flat Ass (FA)

·        Spinal Cord Compression

·        Profuse  sweating when Refresh Button (RB) is out ofreach

·        IBS during commutes

·        Insomnia resulting from concern for RB’s safety

·        Feelings of destitution when you haven’t Refreshed

·        Continual Silent Nail Bed Picking (SNBP) time

·        Fear of loss of self-control during poweroutages

·        Nightmares of RB running from you and/or RB sticking

·        Feelings of ownership or domination of the RB

·        Excessive concern for RB’s feelings

·        Uncontrolled jealousy for F4 and F6

Saudi Women to Vote in 2015....

Finally, the Saudi monarch grants women the right to vote. This is scheduled to take place in 2015. Women in Saudi Arabia still can't drive. In fact, Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that prohibits women from driving. Sadly these same women have to have a male's permission to have surgery. However, it seems the country is progressing. Thank you King Abdullah. Or more appropriately  thank you to the female protesters in June, who are beyond courageous. Of course, out of all the networks covering the historical event, FOX News was the only network to have negative feedback regarding the issue.

6 Ton Satellite

Best case scenario ends with the 26 pieces silently eliminating a few cancers in our culture. Top five as follows1. Heidi Montag - Unfortunately cosmetic surgery unemployment rates would soar, however advertising during burial would boost our ever decreasing economic downfall. Plus, who is Spencer sans Heidi? Two for one combo elimination. 2. Pig Thieves - Lead investigator Marc Chadderddon could finally sleep, "My guess is they're baking in pork chops right now", and Midwest pig farmers in Lafayette Minnesota could get back to pork.3. Ali Abdullah Salah - N/A4. Booing Crowd - Children are killing themselves because of backlash like this from bully's; you must be the parents raising them.5. TSA Employee - Tax dollars saved. Did you really think she was a terrorist?

How to Cheat a Kennedy and live to tell about it?

Arnold Schwarzenegger's new memoir is to be released by Simon & Schuster in October of 2012. The tentative title is 'Total Recall', although I think the question all of us are asking is a bit more title relevant. Some of the chapters of Schwarzenegger's memoir are as follows:

1. As an immigrant myself, I wanted to father one
2. Steroids and how they made me famous
3. I have a museum built in my honor, here's how....
4. Controlling the hired help
5. I am awesome

Events like this make me want to crawl into a hole with my daughter. How can I protect her? My awkward period lasted for 12 years, so at some point I became accustomed to being blacklisted, but when did bullying become so atrocious that children are killing themselves to avoid it? What happened to this child from the time of the video until his death, and why weren’t theses signs noticed? Suicide is the third leading cause of death for youth ages 15-24.

"I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. What do I have to do so people will listen to me?" Jamey Rodemeyer wrote these words on Sept. 9.

This is what was written on his social netowrking sites prior to his suicide. What are parents doing to stop this? Who is educating our children???

"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!"

"I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"



Varsity

After years of requests, I finally had a cheeseburger. To my surprise, it was the best burger and fries combo I may have ever had. It was enchanting. I got a hat for Princess. She will be thrilled to eat there with me one day. Frank served us well. For 33 years, Frank has been giving people delicious combos. When I was negative two, Frank started his career. I told him we would be back next Monday. Can I get another hat?

Color

For a coon's age I thought my parachute color was non-profit. Raising money to help a select group of the population in lieu of adding funds to my bank account seemed perfectly ideal. Unfortunately, non-profits proved to be inefficient. Nothing trumps the devastation of watching donor dollars fly first class to Dubai. Slowly, I came to the realization that maybe non-profits weren't comprised of saints and martyrs. I became restless, turning a deaf ear to the notion that there was no place for effective leadership in my parachute! Attempting to squash my intuition, I tried once more to search for the efficiency that I had found lacking. My result gave me a boss who caused drama strictly for the effect of not having to work. My result was so discouraging that I am blogging online about the color of my parachute as a stay at home mom.

Cards

According to my motivational cards I am surrounded by joy when I am writing, proofing, and perceiving intuitively. I am not sure this makes me an artist, but it does make me more than a filing cabinet. The skills I am adept at that will inevitably cause me to put a gun in my mouth sum up the life of a reactive assistant. I am thoroughly convinced that there was a higher power involved in my termination. Thank you motivational cards for confirming within five minutes what years of therapy could never uncover! According to my cards computer skills, monitoring employees, maintaining records, and acting as a liaison (who doesn't have this bullet on their resume) will all result in my burn out. I can now begin cutting my cholesterol, there is evidence I am here for a reason.

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