Social Media Scandal

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Twelve states are revising their social media policies this fall. In Statesboro, GA Lewis Holloway--the superintendent--imposed a new policy prohibiting private electronic communication after learning that Facebook and text messages helped fuel a relationship between an 8th grade teacher and a 14 year-old student.

This is foolish for the following reasons:

1. You're not changing the teacher's motive by limiting electronic communication--you're only making it more difficult for the student to reach the teacher.

2. Pretty sure Priests aren't texting altar boys, but according to Holloway, "our children are vulnerable through new means, and we've got to find new ways to protect them."

3. If we were more focused on school cheating scandals and not social media, maybe our children wouldn't have fallen from top of the class to average in world education rankings.

Social media isn't corrupt. Where are our morals when the people we look to as heroes--coaches, teachers, priests--are molesting our children? I'm blown away that we think limiting a means of access to information is going to change the motives of a pedophile. We need a change of focus. Instead of limiting social media because it may lead to an inappropriate relationship, we should start cutting off appendages. I say this in all honesty. If you were going to lose your penis because you molested someone, you would probably think twice. With this problem solved, we could then move on to getting our nation's children back into 'above average' rankings.

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Hunker Down and Other Silliness

[adsenseyu5] Words and phrases that drive Mother, She Wrote crazy, in no particular order of hate level.

1. Hunker Down, Take Cover's older, more established, college graduate brother.

2. Humdinger. Similar to 'really good' only lame.

3. Mustache. These should really be regulated.

4. Phalange. Let's just go with finger on this one.

5. Scuttlebutt. A Rumor born on a doily.

6. Nibble. Making references to bunnies all day every day.

7. We're Pregnant, an easy way to confuse children before Sex Ed.

8. Reiterate. Just tell me again, but don't waste my time on a four syllable word.

9. Pussy Footin Around, I could barely type this one.

10. Brunch. Are you breakfast or lunch? Similar to the hatchback, brunch can't make a decision, or did breakfast and lunch just have a baby?

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Independence vs Dependence

Independence vs. Dependence, small changes in the life of Mother, She Wrote. Brought to you by: Singlehood. 1. Car Status

2. Guest Seating

3. Pony Lessons

4. Neighborhood Renewal Volunteers

4. Happy Hour

5. Food Prep

6. Christmas Decorations

7. Holiday Stockings

While You Were Rearing Monday

[adsenseyu5] A recent explosion in Iran was just a set back on their long-range missile program. Thankfully, they'll have this up and running again soon, allowing Iran to move forward making weapons to destroy both Israel and the US. The AP was able to gather more information from a closed-door meeting late last week:

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!

Newt is surging in polls but still facing big challenges independent of his noggin size. Supporters of Romney signed enough signatures allowing him to be on ballets in both Vermont and Alabama--Newt is just beginning the campaign in these states. In a closed captioning interview, Newt stated that "I'm hoping that the size of my head will reach over county lines to force ballet signatures."

You can now pay 60 thousand dollars for a two-week cruise to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to see the Titanic. The descent is 2.5 hours and currently, 80 people who didn't see the 1997 *movie are scheduled to go. *Sadly, Rose doesn't move over on the cruise either.

China has 3.2 trilion dollars in bonds but sadly Beijing will not help the European crisis as this money represents national savings and is not easily distributed. This greed comes as a shock to most world leaders, as China is normally very giving with their censorship of free speech, donation of jail time to activists, and delivering biodiversity of unprecedented proportions since the 7 day creation.

Carbon Dioxide emissions has jumped more than ever recorded. This increase has confirmed a trend making it impossible to stop climate change in the future.

Barnes and Noble knows what you're up to when you walk around looking at unique book covers to decide which ones to buy online. Looking and not buying is called Show Rooming. Sadly, we will all feel like criminals when we Show Room from this point forward.

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While You Were Rearing Week Update

[adsenseyu5] Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner's water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.

The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT's for them.

The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt's hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.

Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.

Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered "to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on."

PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.

Arizona's crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world's tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter's homes.

The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.

Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.

Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.

Friday's Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.

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Bullet Points Entitled to Attention

[adsenseyu5] I was pressed for time. My interview was in two hours but naturally I had gotten up four hours ahead of time knowing Daughter would prove impossible on such an important morning. I thought of some of the things I've mastered, but can't put on the resume.

1. Perfected Bladder Holding capabilities. Able to hold bladder until infection, stemming from the desire to embrace Mother, She Wrote respite over pp interruption.

2. Authored Eating Avoidance: A How to Guide to Prevent Faintness Resulting from a Sudden Drop in Blood Sugar. Please see the write-up below featured in Times Book Review.

According to her new book Eating Avoidance by Mother, She Wrote, "simply surviving on fear, which results when one project doesn't get completed, will nix your bodies natural desire to faint." She goes on to encourage you to press through feelings of faintness by really honing in on the emotions that will surface when Daughter wakes from night-night land and the to-do list's last project mocks you.

3. Adopted the Sleep When Dead Mentality.

4. Mastered Ambidextrous Best Practices. More times than not, Mother, She Wrote is a Left Handed Keyboard Pecker as her right is being used as a security blankie.

5. Strengthened Reaction Time. Once opened cabinet and caught a can of soup with her left elbow, imprisoning it to the cabinet door as she continued making soup.

6. Invented Patience. Now owning traffic, Mother, She Wrote catches up on talk radio in preparation for her next adult conversation, allowing multiple cut-offs and even using caution at yellow lights.

7. Translated Gibberish on a daily basis from the same Daughter with multiple languages.

8. Revitalized Creative Concepts. Dominating all art projects within the home. Please see insert in portfolio for Mother, She Wrote vs. Daughter comparison.

9. Executed Rapid Response each morning. Sadly, Daughter can't be snoozed.

10. Motivated and supervised Potty Time resulting in Poopoo Potty Award of Excellence 2011.

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What Am I? Body

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I can be large or small. I'm usually under the radar, but become fussy with too much company, preferring my independence. You can hold me, or sometimes you can't.

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Things I'll Never Understand Part 2

[adsenseyu5] 1. What Three Dog Night meant by "1 being the loneliest number." Honestly, "0" is the loneliest number--it has nothing, what could be more lonely than that?

2. Why Republican's have names like Newt and Mitt, while Democrats' are okay with Joe.

3. Why we dress our children like clowns before the age of two and then become confused when they develop Clown Phobia as adults.

5. How to be comfortable in a modern house.

6. Why plates are hung on walls for decoration. We always used these to eat growing up.

7. Jehovah Witness recruitment – If your going to compete with me to get into heaven why do you want me on your team?

8. Dogs without tails.

10. A. Glamour Shots. See photos, these are not your friends. B. The need to caress collars while posing. (No there was no confirmation on the sex of picture 2.)

11. Paying more than $12.99 for a bottle for wine. I only go for the $12.99 bottle to look like I know what I’m doing, but can tell no actual difference above the $6.99 mark.

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Over Nourished is Malnourished

[adsenseyu5] Authorities just took the 8 year boy, "Nameless," out of his mother's home and placed him in foster care for weighing 218 lbs. According to the Department of Children and Family Services, Nameless was placed in foster care for medical neglect. They worked with the mother for more than a year about his weight problem. Nameless suffers from sleep apnea, but doesn't suffer from childhood diabetes or high blood pressure. Nameless participates in school activities and he's on the honor roll.

Over the past 10 years type 2 diabetes in children has increased by 150 percent. Nameless should have weighed around 52 lbs. Sadly, 20% of children ages 6-11 are obese, and 30 to 40% will develop diabetes. These same children are also at risk for heart disease, high blood pressure and cholesterol, along with depression.

Overeating is a form of malnutrition. It's very easy to blame parents but we should also focus on what our children are eating at school. If our children were under nourished at school, our reaction to the school lunch program would be much different. Singapore increased nutrition in its school lunch programs and physical activity for children and teachers and reduced obesity by almost 30–50%. Why can't we? Most recently we were blocked by Special Interest Groups. Here's an earlier post as a recap.

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Marilyn Monroe - Interesting Facts

[adsenseyu5] Based strictly on the trailer "My Week with Marilyn" starring Michelle Williams should be phenomenal. It's set in England in 1956 when Marilyn was making “The Prince and the Showgirl.”

Here are a few facts about Marilyn you may not know:

1. She had 12 sets of foster parents.

2. For twenty years after Marilyn died, Joe DiMaggio delivered roses to her grave three times a week. Famous last words, 'I'll finally get to see Marilyn."

3. Marilyn rinsed her face 15 times after each wash.

4. She did not have 11 toes although this is a widely believed rumor.

Stuff I Can't Make Up

[adsenseyu5] I applied for a creative job on Anonymous website. Thankful to get a response, I instantly told Darth that I would Google Chat with him about the position. What follows is a most interesting story. The phrases in the parenthesis are what Mother, She Wrote really thought about the dialogue.

Darth:  Hi Sally

me:  Hi!

(I'm genuinely excited here. Really take a moment and focus on the "!", I use these sparingly.)

Darth:  Happy Monday

me:  Same to you1

(Since Monday's aren't happy, I'm thrown off, as shown by my Freudian type-o. Going for the "!" again, but accidentally swiping the "1" is a classic mistake.)

Darth:  thanks

Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

me:  It was okay. How was yours?

(I say this only to appease him, I don't really care about Darth's Thanksgiving, I'm more interested in getting my project assignment while Daughter's not screaming.)

Darth:  quiet and relaxing

BTW I'm waiting to get called into

a meeting, so if I disappear suddenly, that's why

me:  No worries.

(I say "no worries" here, but really mean, "I don't have time for your bs Darth. I've appeased Daughter and this peace will only last moments. You're very thoughtful to contact me directly before your lame meeting, and it won't go unnoticed.")

Darth:  Was there anything in particular that attracted you to this story project?

me:  I'm doing creative writing now in my blog.

(The one you conveniently didn't read before you started wasting my time.)

Darth:  excellent

(I envisioned Mr. Burns when he said this. Ignite Heebie Jeebies.)

what is the link to the blog again?

me:  http://www.mothershewrote.com

Darth:  ah yes I remember

nice play on Jessica Fletcher

me:  Thanks!!!

(The "!" marks above are absolutely fake. One, I didn't come up with this 'nice play on Jessica Fletcher' so I'm just showing excitement sprinkled with guilt for the person who did. Two, I never watched Murder, She Wrote.)

Darth: Do you think you could write an entertaining story about a sore-footed woman in high heels? Perhaps a non-profit fundraiser or advertising sales rep? (Yes, I peeked at your CV)

(I would hope that you more than 'peeked' at my résumé before you contacted me.)

me:  That would be awesome.

(Notice the ".", I don't think this is awesome.)

Darth:  Is that an experience you can relate to?

me:  I think any woman can relate to being miserable in heels

Darth:  b rb

(All women are miserable in high heels, and could write a story focused on swollen feet and blisters by simply remembering a time she wore them against her instinct. Also, what does b rb mean? I desperately tried to figure out the acronym while I waited. I came up with nothing.)

Darth:  hi again

me:  Hi, I guess your meeting called

Darth:  indeed

I should have figured Monday after a long weekend would be busy

(Yawn)

Question for you

(I waited for this one question for six solid minutes. Darth went back offline again and came back on several times and I still waited.)

Darth:  Do you have a character in the back of your mind who you'd like to give life to?

Maybe someone you've wanted to write about, but haven't had an opportunity thus far?

(Go to Google Search, Insert Darth. Opportunity thus far sealed the deal for me. Take a moment and notice the italicized words above if you didn't catch them before.)

me:  Yes

(Here's what I found on Darth's Facebook Page. Icon=an action figure with a glow stick. Male with 28 friends--all female, all probably prey to his little sore feet fetish. About Darth: 'Nothing is more lovely than a woman in beautiful shoes.')

Darth:  How would you like to have that character star in this story?

(Crickets)

Darth:  In other words, would it be fun to give life to your character now? As opposed to trying to create a one-dimensional character for me?

(I'm heated and trying to calm down. Wasting my time to have a fantasy about women in high heels is unforgivable.)

me:  Ok just went on your FB page. Is this something you do often?

Pretend to give people work to **** with them? go to a bad place!

(I said exactly what I wanted--even taking out the '*' in the original dialogue and spelling out the bad place.)

Darth:  no

I don't know where it says that

Over the years I've hired a few dozen writers for this project.

(Crickets)

Darth:  Where did you read that I pretend to give people work?

(Blocking this user)

Darth:  That's absolutely not the case. These stories are very important to me, which is why I'm willing to pay for them.

(Copying and pasting dialogue to blog--the one you never read.)

The following illustration is that I envisioned each time I looked out any window for the rest of the day after I blocked Darth.

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Pitting

[adsenseyu5] We have a gene in our family that allows us to pit continuously, specifically in stressful situations. The gene has been negative toward us most of our lives, often resulting with family members being labeled as 'yellow underarm' or 'unable to wear a business shirt without pads in place.' I have started pitting again, most recently due to a high stress environment. Below is are some illustrations of pitting and a simple step to follow to limit its' embarrassment.

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Am I Erin Brockovich? No, but I am a Detective

[adsenseyu5] Special Interest Groups at their finest. A village with 4,000 people in Pennsylvania received leasing offers from Range Resources hoping to use their land for fracking, with the ability to drill thousands of miles under their property, and two miles in any direction. Range Resources offered more money than these people would see in their entire lifetimes, so most accepted. Fracking is not a fraternity hacking system, but a way for natural gas companies to pump vast quantities of water, sand, and chemicals miles into the earth to free gas bubbles from ancient rock. It has brought 23,000 new jobs to the area. Hotels are packed, restaurant's sales are up, and they even have newly paved roads! Bling, freaking, bling.

Stacey Haney lives in the village as a single mother of two, with more animals than a circus. She signed the lease in 2008. At the local fair in 2010 Stacey ran into a horse trainer, Beth Voyles, who had also signed the lease the same year. Beth's 1 1/2 year old boxer had just died unexpectedly. Stacy and Beth's series of unfortunate events follows.

Disclaimer: Range Resources only uses ethylene glycol in the fracking process so I've come up with some possible scenarios for what really happened to the 'victims' in this story.

1. Both Stacey's and Beth's dogs died unexpectedly. Likely story. A copy of "The Pact" was seen floating around both their kennels shortly after their body's were found.

2. Beth's boxers began to abort litters and birth babes with legs missing. Babes were born with cleft-pallets--probably seeking donations from the Smile Train--and/or the litter would die all together--once again 'The Pact' comes to mind. Family traditions are strong for a reason.

3. Stacey's faucets began to eat themselves, along with her washing machine, hot water heater and dishwasher--clearly falling prey to Kenmore commercials with feeling of inferiority. When Stacey showered, she received a complementary fragrance from Range Resources called *"Rotten Eggs and Diarrhea".  Mother, She Wrote still isn't sure this complaint is valid.

*only available with lease, no other promos apply for this offer

4. Stacey's son, Harley was playing hooky from school so often that she took him to the doctor, claiming he couldn't lift his head. The cough-cough, doctor said Harley had high levels of arsenic in his blood. Mother, She Wrote says this is just a clear indication that he took playing hooky to the extreme. Everyone knows a body can only ingest small amounts of arsenic without it being traced.

5. Stacey soon tested positive for arsenic, benzene, and toluene in her blood. Mother, She Wrote says Stacey poisoned herself to one-up her son, thus removing him from his Deceptive Hooky Spotlight. As Unknown said, "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother."

6. Beth developed nose and throat blisters, headaches and nosebleeds, joint aches, rashes, an inability to concentrate, along with a metal taste in her mouth. Really? She probably went on a binge, burned her nose and throat numerous times while trying to lite a cigarette, passed-out in the cold to aggravate her joints therefore falling prey to mosquitoes and scratching relentlessly while inebriated therefore causing rashes. All this coupled with eating a bike is bound to make anyone lose concentration.

Update: Stacey and Beth have both moved away from their land and home. Stacey used her first royalty check of $9,000 in the following ways:

1. $4,500 co-pays and deductibles for doctors' visits

2. $1,150 for gas to commute from her children to feeding her animals, because her home was no longer a safe haven

3. $2,700 for taxes on the earnings

4. $750 for a down payment on a camper--Stacey's new home

Legislation Update

1. Who was the Vice President and the former CEO of Halliburton, a Fracking Company in 2005? Dick Cheney, who once tried to shoot our beloved W, spearheaded an amendment that would have required companies like Halliburton to show the chemicals that are being pumped into the ground while fracking--remember, not fraternity slang!

2. Currently, companies in Pennsylvania pay no tax to extract gas. Sweet!

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Pilgrim and Indian Folk Tales

[adsenseyu5] Forty-three million turkeys sacrificed themselves for your Thanksgiving dinner this year. More than likely the turkey you're eating is a Broad Breasted White and came from a Butterball plant in Arkansas. Lines in the factory run 7 days a week starting in October so that you can have laughter, gluttony, and booze with your family today.

The first Thanksgiving was in 1621--deer was eaten in place of turkey. If turkey had been eaten it would have been able to fly and more importantly killed in a party of one and not on an assembly line with 10,000 others.

Thanksgiving stories featuring the Pilgrims and Indians.

The Pilgrims came to the land of the free on the Mayflower, landing on Plymouth Rock in 1620.

Fantasy Land: Plymouth Rock

Reality: Plymouth Rock

Fantasy Land: The Indians and Jesus loving Pilgrims co-mingled and their children played together--even going as far as sharing feathers and other Indian garb.

Reality: The Pilgrims werent culturally inviting and didn't stick feathers in their caps. Also, putting one in your cap will not make macaroni.

Fantasy Land: The Jesus loving Pilgrims endured hardships but persevered to became the backbone of our nation with the help of the Indians who gave the Pilgrims maize. In return the Pilgrims put Jesus into the hearts of the Indians.

Reality: In later years after the Jesus loving Pilgrims found they could sustain themselves sans Indians, they gave the Indians blankets sprinkled with small pox in return for their gift of maize.

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Thanksgiving Eve's While You Were Rearing

[adsenseyu5] Egypt's uprisings will never end. Protesters now picket for Mubarak's legacy sprinkled with general anger, resentment, and feelings that the revolution has been taken from them. The military ruling council promises to speed the transition to civilian rule--elections begin next week with the muslim brotherhood expecting dominance.

A recent closed captioning poll found that Mitt Romney's Mormon religion will cause problems for his primary. Donald of Pennsylvania, with 14 wives and 300 children, says he "can't get past Mitt only having one wife." Donald acted on faith to take on 13 women--additional marriages are lined up every month next year. Donald deals daily with "thousands of extra hormones, and countless losses to his identity due to so many X's chromosomes floating around." He feels any respectable leader should carry this burden as well.

The SEC accused Michael Perry of IndyMac Bancorp of fraud for back-dating books to hide financial problems. Perry testified that someone told him to do it so the SEC is contemplating dropping the charges. Perry went further to say his 3rd grade teacher, "Mrs. Clinton told me to always do as I was told," and he felt strongly that, even as he matured, he shouldn't let her down.

ABA American Bar Association has rejected more of Obama's potential judicial nominees and labeled them as non-qualified. Since all the poor ratings went to women and minority groups, women's rights groups across the country are volunteering to Kick Ass and Take Names for Turkey Day.

Twenty students on Long Island are now accused of cheating in vain on the SAT as most commercial colleges now allow students to enter with fake high school graduation credentials such as a 'Made by Johnny' diplomas. Teachers from Dallas, TX who were involved in the recent grade-school scandal are flying to Long Island for an emergency meeting to teach corruption after the holidays.

Merck settled a suit for $950 million for promoting Vioxx--a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis--before the FDA. Vioxx causes heart problems, and sadly Merck didn't pull it from the market before 25 million people sans health insurance raced to the ER to increase the federal deficit.

West Hollywood bans the selling of fur. One for PETA. Zero for the Indians.

South Korea approves free a trade pact with US. “The legislators were passing a bill which will make ordinary people shed bitter tears,” Kim Sun-dong, a member of the small opposition Korea Democratic Labor Party, told a crowd of supporters on Tuesday night, explaining why he had sprayed tear gas. “So I detonated tear gas so that they too shed tears, even if theirs were fake tears.” (I wish I was funny enough to make up that quote, but sadly I am not, this is authentic.)

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While You Reared, Fabulous Friday Update

[adsenseyu5] Michelle Obama started the rally for her husband at a democratic fund-raising conference Thursday night. The First Lady, who has embraced obesity as her cause, is fired up soon after Congress made more than 30 million children fatter by refusing to cut the sodium in school lunches by 50%. I heart special interest groups.

Head leaders of the Mormon church spent millions on an ad campaign to find out that Americans come up with four adjectives when thinking about Mormons: secretive, sexist, pushy, and anti-gay. Romney's Campaign Manager advised him to narrow these down,  as four adjectives in a description prove overwhelming.

Mother, She Wrote gives this weeks 'Idiot Award' to an Egyptian blogger, who blogged nude photos to promote inequality and freedom of speech. Liberals in Egypt have quickly published statements denying connections with her --fearing this will severely hurt their election chances. The Nudes have caused outrage from both rigid and liberal Muslims across the nation. “Freedom,” wrote one detractor, “is not the same as degradation and prostitution.” Freakin Yikes!

Kuwait gets a surprise welcome to the Arab Spring when protesters and law makers stormed parliament demanding the Prime Minister's resignation. Their efforts were very similar to OWS, proving goalless and disorderly.

As we embrace the two month anniversary of the protest with no goal, 175 protesters across the nation are arrested when they refuse to stop occupying. The popo arrested 20 in NY, but sadly, Mother, She Wrote won't grant these victims the 'Shining Star Award' this week because they failed to shut down the NY stock exchange. Maybe next time?

The International Atomic Energy Agency wants to slap a resolution reprimanding Iran for their secret work on an atomic weapon.

After a closed door meeting leaders decided to use words such as 'sunshine, rainbow, and unicorn' in the document as opposed to 'atomic, weapon, and bomb' to avoid a tantrum from China and Russia.

Unfortunately, 91 stranded whales died on the shores of New Zealand and Australia this week--no doubt trying to run away from Japan's relentless whale hunters.

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