Social Media Scandal

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Twelve states are revising their social media policies this fall. In Statesboro, GA Lewis Holloway--the superintendent--imposed a new policy prohibiting private electronic communication after learning that Facebook and text messages helped fuel a relationship between an 8th grade teacher and a 14 year-old student.

This is foolish for the following reasons:

1. You're not changing the teacher's motive by limiting electronic communication--you're only making it more difficult for the student to reach the teacher.

2. Pretty sure Priests aren't texting altar boys, but according to Holloway, "our children are vulnerable through new means, and we've got to find new ways to protect them."

3. If we were more focused on school cheating scandals and not social media, maybe our children wouldn't have fallen from top of the class to average in world education rankings.

Social media isn't corrupt. Where are our morals when the people we look to as heroes--coaches, teachers, priests--are molesting our children? I'm blown away that we think limiting a means of access to information is going to change the motives of a pedophile. We need a change of focus. Instead of limiting social media because it may lead to an inappropriate relationship, we should start cutting off appendages. I say this in all honesty. If you were going to lose your penis because you molested someone, you would probably think twice. With this problem solved, we could then move on to getting our nation's children back into 'above average' rankings.

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While You Were Rearing Monday

[adsenseyu5] A recent explosion in Iran was just a set back on their long-range missile program. Thankfully, they'll have this up and running again soon, allowing Iran to move forward making weapons to destroy both Israel and the US. The AP was able to gather more information from a closed-door meeting late last week:

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!

Newt is surging in polls but still facing big challenges independent of his noggin size. Supporters of Romney signed enough signatures allowing him to be on ballets in both Vermont and Alabama--Newt is just beginning the campaign in these states. In a closed captioning interview, Newt stated that "I'm hoping that the size of my head will reach over county lines to force ballet signatures."

You can now pay 60 thousand dollars for a two-week cruise to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to see the Titanic. The descent is 2.5 hours and currently, 80 people who didn't see the 1997 *movie are scheduled to go. *Sadly, Rose doesn't move over on the cruise either.

China has 3.2 trilion dollars in bonds but sadly Beijing will not help the European crisis as this money represents national savings and is not easily distributed. This greed comes as a shock to most world leaders, as China is normally very giving with their censorship of free speech, donation of jail time to activists, and delivering biodiversity of unprecedented proportions since the 7 day creation.

Carbon Dioxide emissions has jumped more than ever recorded. This increase has confirmed a trend making it impossible to stop climate change in the future.

Barnes and Noble knows what you're up to when you walk around looking at unique book covers to decide which ones to buy online. Looking and not buying is called Show Rooming. Sadly, we will all feel like criminals when we Show Room from this point forward.

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While You Were Rearing Week Update

[adsenseyu5] Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner's water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.

The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT's for them.

The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt's hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.

Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.

Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered "to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on."

PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.

Arizona's crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world's tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter's homes.

The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.

Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.

Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.

Friday's Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.

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What Am I? Body

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I can be large or small. I'm usually under the radar, but become fussy with too much company, preferring my independence. You can hold me, or sometimes you can't.

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Over Nourished is Malnourished

[adsenseyu5] Authorities just took the 8 year boy, "Nameless," out of his mother's home and placed him in foster care for weighing 218 lbs. According to the Department of Children and Family Services, Nameless was placed in foster care for medical neglect. They worked with the mother for more than a year about his weight problem. Nameless suffers from sleep apnea, but doesn't suffer from childhood diabetes or high blood pressure. Nameless participates in school activities and he's on the honor roll.

Over the past 10 years type 2 diabetes in children has increased by 150 percent. Nameless should have weighed around 52 lbs. Sadly, 20% of children ages 6-11 are obese, and 30 to 40% will develop diabetes. These same children are also at risk for heart disease, high blood pressure and cholesterol, along with depression.

Overeating is a form of malnutrition. It's very easy to blame parents but we should also focus on what our children are eating at school. If our children were under nourished at school, our reaction to the school lunch program would be much different. Singapore increased nutrition in its school lunch programs and physical activity for children and teachers and reduced obesity by almost 30–50%. Why can't we? Most recently we were blocked by Special Interest Groups. Here's an earlier post as a recap.

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Am I Erin Brockovich? No, but I am a Detective

[adsenseyu5] Special Interest Groups at their finest. A village with 4,000 people in Pennsylvania received leasing offers from Range Resources hoping to use their land for fracking, with the ability to drill thousands of miles under their property, and two miles in any direction. Range Resources offered more money than these people would see in their entire lifetimes, so most accepted. Fracking is not a fraternity hacking system, but a way for natural gas companies to pump vast quantities of water, sand, and chemicals miles into the earth to free gas bubbles from ancient rock. It has brought 23,000 new jobs to the area. Hotels are packed, restaurant's sales are up, and they even have newly paved roads! Bling, freaking, bling.

Stacey Haney lives in the village as a single mother of two, with more animals than a circus. She signed the lease in 2008. At the local fair in 2010 Stacey ran into a horse trainer, Beth Voyles, who had also signed the lease the same year. Beth's 1 1/2 year old boxer had just died unexpectedly. Stacy and Beth's series of unfortunate events follows.

Disclaimer: Range Resources only uses ethylene glycol in the fracking process so I've come up with some possible scenarios for what really happened to the 'victims' in this story.

1. Both Stacey's and Beth's dogs died unexpectedly. Likely story. A copy of "The Pact" was seen floating around both their kennels shortly after their body's were found.

2. Beth's boxers began to abort litters and birth babes with legs missing. Babes were born with cleft-pallets--probably seeking donations from the Smile Train--and/or the litter would die all together--once again 'The Pact' comes to mind. Family traditions are strong for a reason.

3. Stacey's faucets began to eat themselves, along with her washing machine, hot water heater and dishwasher--clearly falling prey to Kenmore commercials with feeling of inferiority. When Stacey showered, she received a complementary fragrance from Range Resources called *"Rotten Eggs and Diarrhea".  Mother, She Wrote still isn't sure this complaint is valid.

*only available with lease, no other promos apply for this offer

4. Stacey's son, Harley was playing hooky from school so often that she took him to the doctor, claiming he couldn't lift his head. The cough-cough, doctor said Harley had high levels of arsenic in his blood. Mother, She Wrote says this is just a clear indication that he took playing hooky to the extreme. Everyone knows a body can only ingest small amounts of arsenic without it being traced.

5. Stacey soon tested positive for arsenic, benzene, and toluene in her blood. Mother, She Wrote says Stacey poisoned herself to one-up her son, thus removing him from his Deceptive Hooky Spotlight. As Unknown said, "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother."

6. Beth developed nose and throat blisters, headaches and nosebleeds, joint aches, rashes, an inability to concentrate, along with a metal taste in her mouth. Really? She probably went on a binge, burned her nose and throat numerous times while trying to lite a cigarette, passed-out in the cold to aggravate her joints therefore falling prey to mosquitoes and scratching relentlessly while inebriated therefore causing rashes. All this coupled with eating a bike is bound to make anyone lose concentration.

Update: Stacey and Beth have both moved away from their land and home. Stacey used her first royalty check of $9,000 in the following ways:

1. $4,500 co-pays and deductibles for doctors' visits

2. $1,150 for gas to commute from her children to feeding her animals, because her home was no longer a safe haven

3. $2,700 for taxes on the earnings

4. $750 for a down payment on a camper--Stacey's new home

Legislation Update

1. Who was the Vice President and the former CEO of Halliburton, a Fracking Company in 2005? Dick Cheney, who once tried to shoot our beloved W, spearheaded an amendment that would have required companies like Halliburton to show the chemicals that are being pumped into the ground while fracking--remember, not fraternity slang!

2. Currently, companies in Pennsylvania pay no tax to extract gas. Sweet!

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Thanksgiving Eve's While You Were Rearing

[adsenseyu5] Egypt's uprisings will never end. Protesters now picket for Mubarak's legacy sprinkled with general anger, resentment, and feelings that the revolution has been taken from them. The military ruling council promises to speed the transition to civilian rule--elections begin next week with the muslim brotherhood expecting dominance.

A recent closed captioning poll found that Mitt Romney's Mormon religion will cause problems for his primary. Donald of Pennsylvania, with 14 wives and 300 children, says he "can't get past Mitt only having one wife." Donald acted on faith to take on 13 women--additional marriages are lined up every month next year. Donald deals daily with "thousands of extra hormones, and countless losses to his identity due to so many X's chromosomes floating around." He feels any respectable leader should carry this burden as well.

The SEC accused Michael Perry of IndyMac Bancorp of fraud for back-dating books to hide financial problems. Perry testified that someone told him to do it so the SEC is contemplating dropping the charges. Perry went further to say his 3rd grade teacher, "Mrs. Clinton told me to always do as I was told," and he felt strongly that, even as he matured, he shouldn't let her down.

ABA American Bar Association has rejected more of Obama's potential judicial nominees and labeled them as non-qualified. Since all the poor ratings went to women and minority groups, women's rights groups across the country are volunteering to Kick Ass and Take Names for Turkey Day.

Twenty students on Long Island are now accused of cheating in vain on the SAT as most commercial colleges now allow students to enter with fake high school graduation credentials such as a 'Made by Johnny' diplomas. Teachers from Dallas, TX who were involved in the recent grade-school scandal are flying to Long Island for an emergency meeting to teach corruption after the holidays.

Merck settled a suit for $950 million for promoting Vioxx--a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis--before the FDA. Vioxx causes heart problems, and sadly Merck didn't pull it from the market before 25 million people sans health insurance raced to the ER to increase the federal deficit.

West Hollywood bans the selling of fur. One for PETA. Zero for the Indians.

South Korea approves free a trade pact with US. “The legislators were passing a bill which will make ordinary people shed bitter tears,” Kim Sun-dong, a member of the small opposition Korea Democratic Labor Party, told a crowd of supporters on Tuesday night, explaining why he had sprayed tear gas. “So I detonated tear gas so that they too shed tears, even if theirs were fake tears.” (I wish I was funny enough to make up that quote, but sadly I am not, this is authentic.)

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While You Were Rearing -- Thanksgiving Eve Eve

[adsenseyu5] Egypt's interim government quits on the third day of protests, just as an ironic disconnect developed between the political elite and the protesters. Thirty-five were reported killed, but Doctors are pressured to remain mum about those killed by live ammunition. NGO's were relieved when an anonymous gunman stated that "The live ammunition only killed thugs."

The Super Committee crawled down to protesters begging for forgiveness in a recent fantasy. The panel of 12 couldn't decide on a plan to cut our government spending by 1.2 trillion over the next 10 years, which means mandatory spending cuts will begin in 2013.

According to a special interest group that snuck into the meeting, below is an illegal recording of some of the blah, blah, blah that happened during the 10 weeks.

Democratic Random: "We need to give everyone a chance so for the first nine weeks let's allow the Republicans to do all the talking. Even though their inferior, I know they can find a solution if given an opportunity."

Republican Random: "Let's do nothing and work through the weekend at the last-minute. Either way it's not our problem, and in the end we can just blame Democratic Random or the President."

Since the only qualifications for being on the committee were "We need to do something, somehow, someway, within some time frame," several protesters have volunteered to help cut spending."

Pfizer launched a new bumper sticker with the phrase, "American Companies for Americans." Pfizer recently laid off 1,000 employees and slashed their own research budgets in an unselfish venture to buy back their own stock. This helps Americans in negative three ways 1. Doesn't reward investors 2. No additional jobs will be created in any way 3. A foundation for future growth is not forseeable.

Romney brings out the big guns in New Hampshire with the first television advertisement of the race. Using an innovative campaign approach, Romney's ad will be attacking Obama for his economic leadership just as Obama lands in the state to talk about job growth. The ad will feature a large family conservatively dressed on a farm with several wives, 300 children, and one husband.

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While You Were Rearing - Monday Edition

[adsenseyu5] The between 1st and second class has never been higher. For those who can afford it, Airlines are now charging $15,000 for international flights--offering three course meals and massages on board. For the 99% who can't, the airline is offering a walk through viewing of 1st class free of charge. Rough housing, pushing, and running are not allowed within two feet of the 1%ers, as this could easily disjoint their experience or slip a toupee. Photos are allowed after a signed disclosure agreement. Baggage fees still apply.

Archaic parents with e-readers are demanding their children learn mandates such as shapes and colors the old-fashioned way--even going so far as to sign a petition that their children's finger tips can only turn pages. In a recent consumer case study, vomiting is both easier and faster to clean up on pages as opposed to shiny gadgets.

Google apps for business, Google's cloud communication, is Google's best business application. It's helping Google build social networks. Watch out Facebook, Google + may not be a party of one for too much longer. Google's Marketing Manager will launch a new campaign next month and add a MySpace fan page for Google +.

Cigna will begin selling coverage in India, where 85% of the population is without care. Cigna experienced a drop in share last quarter due to Employee expense healthcare when employees reported high levels of PTSD from denying valid claims.

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While You Reared, Fabulous Friday Update

[adsenseyu5] Michelle Obama started the rally for her husband at a democratic fund-raising conference Thursday night. The First Lady, who has embraced obesity as her cause, is fired up soon after Congress made more than 30 million children fatter by refusing to cut the sodium in school lunches by 50%. I heart special interest groups.

Head leaders of the Mormon church spent millions on an ad campaign to find out that Americans come up with four adjectives when thinking about Mormons: secretive, sexist, pushy, and anti-gay. Romney's Campaign Manager advised him to narrow these down,  as four adjectives in a description prove overwhelming.

Mother, She Wrote gives this weeks 'Idiot Award' to an Egyptian blogger, who blogged nude photos to promote inequality and freedom of speech. Liberals in Egypt have quickly published statements denying connections with her --fearing this will severely hurt their election chances. The Nudes have caused outrage from both rigid and liberal Muslims across the nation. “Freedom,” wrote one detractor, “is not the same as degradation and prostitution.” Freakin Yikes!

Kuwait gets a surprise welcome to the Arab Spring when protesters and law makers stormed parliament demanding the Prime Minister's resignation. Their efforts were very similar to OWS, proving goalless and disorderly.

As we embrace the two month anniversary of the protest with no goal, 175 protesters across the nation are arrested when they refuse to stop occupying. The popo arrested 20 in NY, but sadly, Mother, She Wrote won't grant these victims the 'Shining Star Award' this week because they failed to shut down the NY stock exchange. Maybe next time?

The International Atomic Energy Agency wants to slap a resolution reprimanding Iran for their secret work on an atomic weapon.

After a closed door meeting leaders decided to use words such as 'sunshine, rainbow, and unicorn' in the document as opposed to 'atomic, weapon, and bomb' to avoid a tantrum from China and Russia.

Unfortunately, 91 stranded whales died on the shores of New Zealand and Australia this week--no doubt trying to run away from Japan's relentless whale hunters.

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You Reared, I Wrote - Thursday's Update

[adsenseyu5] Republicans aren't raising enough money, therefore struggling to gain senate seats. Candidates clearly didn't take direction from Xing Wu Pan, a fundraiser for comptroller John C. Liu in NY. Pan funneled money into Liu's campaign intending to sidestep campaign donation restrictions. Silly Pan.

Obama rejects the EPA's plan to reduce smog. This comes only after the man who fired an automatic rifle at the White House last week was found and taken into custody.

Obama plans to increase our military presence in Australia just after scholars in China granted Russian PM Vladimir Putin with the Confucius Peace Prize for his "iron hand and toughness." Putin was given Confucius specifically for his invasion of Chechnya in 1999 and his disapproval of the recent NATO bombings in Libya. Other candidates included Bill Gates, and Gyaiancain Norbu. Norbu is the Chinese Government appointed Panchen Lama. The Dali Lama chose Nyima as the original Penchen Lama 16 years ago. Nyima has since mysteriously disappeared, with only silence from the Chinese Government. Mother, She Wrote gives Putin and the Chinese Government the Golden Acorn Award.

Finally, the last Munchkin has departed Munchkin land permanently. Karl Slover passed away at 93. There's no place like home.

Tomato Paste is a Veggie follow-up. Based on a study at UNC, children get more calories from pizza than any other food. Childhood obesity has also tripled in the last 30 years.

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While You Were Rearing, Tuesday Edition

[adsenseyu5] The Supreme Court will hear the health care overhaul challenge between the federal government and 26 states to decide if congress overstepped boundaries by requiring health insurance. Many doctors and hospitals have already cut income in other areas and are dependent on this mandatory coverage of patients for revenue. If the Supreme Court decides congress did overstep their boundaries, these people are screwed.

Obama campaign volunteers from 2008 have formed a "Young People Who Got You Elected By Going Door to Door in Sometimes Extreme Weather Conditions" committee for 2012. Objectives include talking about voting for Obama, but vowing to do no leg work or promotion of any kind for him for the upcoming election. According to the Committee Chair, "We want to give back what was given."

Billy Hunter announced NBA players rejected the leagues latest offer. Players and League owners will cease redundant meetings, and reruns of Jersey Shore to volunteer to help the almost 7 million children under 5 who would have died today if they kept arguing. NBA Players = HOPE.

Police in riot gear cleared out Oakland early this morning because of health and safety issues, however; protesters secretly returned after Google's Lab donated invisible tents.

The Department of Transportation fined American Eagle airlines $900,000 on Monday  for keeping 608 passengers on board various flight for more than three hours at Chicago O’Hare in May. Ms. Aiken of 42C, who sat nearest the lavatory, is filling for a Nasal Passages Hardship, as these passed away on her flight.

Regis waves goodbye to Kelly, and leaves his syndicated show at the end of this week. He has logged more hours on broadcast tv than anyone since 1947. Regis aspires to use this accomplishment to join the cast of SNL or become a Supreme Court Justice.

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Banning medical research on chimpanzees and gorillas would save 30 million dollars a year.

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While You Were Rearing, Tuesday Edition

Republican candidate Herman Cain is once again accused of making crude advances. Sharon Bialek, a native of Chicago and the first women to come forward, said Cain made inappropriate advances to her in 1997 when she asked him for help to find a job. I'm working on mastering time management, so for the rest of the week as women continuously come forward my Caucus While You Were Rearing update will be"Cain’s campaign stated the accusations were false. "

Conrad Robert Murray gets written into the dictionary beside ‘Michael Jackson’s Killer.’  The Jury convicted Murray of involuntary manslaughter when he administered a powerful anesthetic that helped kill the pop star. Murray’s attorney’s painted him as an ‘Angel of Mercy’, who only gave Jackson a small dose on the day he died while the prosecution painted him as a reckless caregiver who gave Jackson medication without proper precautions. Murray faces four years and will be sentenced on November 29.

The nations biggest financial companies have been in violation of the law 51 times since 1996. When they originally got in trouble they whimpered and the SEC slapped their little financial hands. This time, dunce hats for a week.

Wal-Mart benefits from consumer's wrath toward banks by providing customers with à la cart financial services. This press release was immediately picked up by international news associations when 'a la cart' and 'Wal-Mart' were spotted in the same news article.

A multi-million dollar project in Britain will take 10 years to build, and fill up an entire room. Unfortunately, it's not an anti-aging device but a computer built to answer the question 'Did Charles Babbage conceive of the first programmable computer in the 1830s, a hundred years before its modern form?' Sadly, I don't care.

Joe Frazier dies at only 67 years old. Frazier is best known for winning the heavyweight title at Madison Square Garden in 1971 in the 'Fight of the Century.' However, most people at the water cooler don't know that Frazier moved from South Carolina to Philadelphia because he lacked adequate training material. Before the move, he used scraps such as  corn cobs, coal briquettes, and his mom's old clothing to fill his punching bag.

Finally, can you guess which American philanthropist and socialite should have owned this dog? Leave your answer as a comment and I'll share the secret answer tomorrow.

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While You Were Rearing

Kim Kardashian's $18 million dollar wedding was still running on E-News when she filed for divorce. This break-up is the biggest cultural moment of reality television. On a side note, 10 million people have fallen below the line of poverty in the last four years--a family of four lives on less than $22,000 a month. Kim and Kris spent $250,000 for every day of their marriage. Interesting.  

Governor Perry has flown for free more than 200 times thanks to wealthy donors and corporate executives. Livestock owners flew Perry to Washington for an EPA meeting with the hopes of limiting amounts of corn-based ethanol in gasoline because of price increases. How do we think Perry voted--campaign finance reform anyone?

[caption id="attachment_215" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Is this the Livestock Owner?"][/caption]

The GOP wants to end  finger-pointing, so Perry please ask your aid to stop abusing the Godfather. Cain's reaction to the witch-hunt has changed as more scandals surface. Initially he talked about the target on his back, then he hunkered down,  finally there are rumors he's changing his pizza logo to "You Cant Have Your Special Sauce and Eat it Too."

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While You Were Rearing

Top political news today is Herman Cain's scandal, which according to Herman, was leaked by an aid of Perry's. Cain's supporters have been with him in spirit, with campaign contribution's peeking over the last two days. For the rest of us, we should just relax and give Cain a virtual hug. Politicians come with scandals to teach the American people perseverance through trying times. [caption id="attachment_158" align="alignleft" width="245" caption="Weiner"][/caption]

From Kerry's Vietnam Christmas adventure, to Schwarzenegger's love child, to Weiner's wiener. These humble acts are performed for us. Honestly, did Weiner have a chance? He can't even hear his name without running to a Sexaholic Anonymous Meeting. Thanks for teaching us perverseness Congress. Our hats, and nothing else, go off to you.

As for aging,  you can now stay in the sun, smoke, and consume alcohol in massive quantities without paying the consequences. Scientists at the Mayo Clinic discovered and eliminated 'bad actor' cells, which age your tissue. Genetically modified mice successfully self destructed these aging cells in a recent lab test. Pretty neat. Heidi Montag has volunteered to be the first human to try to the experiment. She aspires to be known as the only person to blow up her aging cells while smoking.

Lastly, I am going on the record to say this app will be disastrous. The application allows you to click to date someone based on their proximity to you and availability to have a drink. Date rapists rejoiced until they discovered the app gives users control over the amount of personal information provided. Daters are frustrated with the snail pace of online dating--welcome to the next step beyond personal ads.

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