Hunker Down and Other Silliness

[adsenseyu5] Words and phrases that drive Mother, She Wrote crazy, in no particular order of hate level.

1. Hunker Down, Take Cover's older, more established, college graduate brother.

 

2. Humdinger. Similar to 'really good' only lame.

 

3. Mustache. These should really be regulated.
4. Phalange. Let's just go with finger on this one.
5. Scuttlebutt. A Rumor born on a doily.
6. Nibble. Making references to bunnies all day every day.
7. We're Pregnant, an easy way to confuse children before Sex Ed.
8. Reiterate. Just tell me again, but don't waste my time on a four syllable word.
9. Pussy Footin Around, I could barely type this one.
10. Brunch. Are you breakfast or lunch? Similar to the hatchback, brunch can't make a decision, or did breakfast and lunch just have a baby?
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Independence vs Dependence

Independence vs. Dependence, small changes in the life of Mother, She Wrote. Brought to you by: Singlehood. 1. Car Status

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Guest Seating

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Pony Lessons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Neighborhood Renewal Volunteers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Happy Hour

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Food Prep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Christmas Decorations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Holiday Stockings

 

While You Were Rearing Monday

[adsenseyu5] A recent explosion in Iran was just a set back on their long-range missile program. Thankfully, they'll have this up and running again soon, allowing Iran to move forward making weapons to destroy both Israel and the US. The AP was able to gather more information from a closed-door meeting late last week:

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!

Newt is surging in polls but still facing big challenges independent of his noggin size. Supporters of Romney signed enough signatures allowing him to be on ballets in both Vermont and Alabama--Newt is just beginning the campaign in these states. In a closed captioning interview, Newt stated that "I'm hoping that the size of my head will reach over county lines to force ballet signatures."

You can now pay 60 thousand dollars for a two-week cruise to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to see the Titanic. The descent is 2.5 hours and currently, 80 people who didn't see the 1997 *movie are scheduled to go. *Sadly, Rose doesn't move over on the cruise either.

China has 3.2 trilion dollars in bonds but sadly Beijing will not help the European crisis as this money represents national savings and is not easily distributed. This greed comes as a shock to most world leaders, as China is normally very giving with their censorship of free speech, donation of jail time to activists, and delivering biodiversity of unprecedented proportions since the 7 day creation.

Carbon Dioxide emissions has jumped more than ever recorded. This increase has confirmed a trend making it impossible to stop climate change in the future.

Barnes and Noble knows what you're up to when you walk around looking at unique book covers to decide which ones to buy online. Looking and not buying is called Show Rooming. Sadly, we will all feel like criminals when we Show Room from this point forward.

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Bullet Points Entitled to Attention

[adsenseyu5] I was pressed for time. My interview was in two hours but naturally I had gotten up four hours ahead of time knowing Daughter would prove impossible on such an important morning. I thought of some of the things I've mastered, but can't put on the resume.

1. Perfected Bladder Holding capabilities. Able to hold bladder until infection, stemming from the desire to embrace Mother, She Wrote respite over pp interruption.

2. Authored Eating Avoidance: A How to Guide to Prevent Faintness Resulting from a Sudden Drop in Blood Sugar. Please see the write-up below featured in Times Book Review.

According to her new book Eating Avoidance by Mother, She Wrote, "simply surviving on fear, which results when one project doesn't get completed, will nix your bodies natural desire to faint." She goes on to encourage you to press through feelings of faintness by really honing in on the emotions that will surface when Daughter wakes from night-night land and the to-do list's last project mocks you.

3. Adopted the Sleep When Dead Mentality.

4. Mastered Ambidextrous Best Practices. More times than not, Mother, She Wrote is a Left Handed Keyboard Pecker as her right is being used as a security blankie.

5. Strengthened Reaction Time. Once opened cabinet and caught a can of soup with her left elbow, imprisoning it to the cabinet door as she continued making soup.

6. Invented Patience. Now owning traffic, Mother, She Wrote catches up on talk radio in preparation for her next adult conversation, allowing multiple cut-offs and even using caution at yellow lights.

7. Translated Gibberish on a daily basis from the same Daughter with multiple languages.

8. Revitalized Creative Concepts. Dominating all art projects within the home. Please see insert in portfolio for Mother, She Wrote vs. Daughter comparison.

9. Executed Rapid Response each morning. Sadly, Daughter can't be snoozed.

10. Motivated and supervised Potty Time resulting in Poopoo Potty Award of Excellence 2011.

 

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What Am I? Body

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I can be large or small. I'm usually under the radar, but become fussy with too much company, preferring my independence. You can hold me, or sometimes you can't.

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Things I'll Never Understand Part 2

[adsenseyu5] 1. What Three Dog Night meant by "1 being the loneliest number." Honestly, "0" is the loneliest number--it has nothing, what could be more lonely than that?

2. Why Republican's have names like Newt and Mitt, while Democrats' are okay with Joe.

3. Why we dress our children like clowns before the age of two and then become confused when they develop Clown Phobia as adults.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. How to be comfortable in a modern house.

6. Why plates are hung on walls for decoration. We always used these to eat growing up.

7. Jehovah Witness recruitment – If your going to compete with me to get into heaven why do you want me on your team?

8. Dogs without tails.

10. A. Glamour Shots. See photos, these are not your friends. B. The need to caress collars while posing. (No there was no confirmation on the sex of picture 2.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. Paying more than $12.99 for a bottle for wine. I only go for the $12.99 bottle to look like I know what I’m doing, but can tell no actual difference above the $6.99 mark.

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Stuff I Can't Make Up

[adsenseyu5] I applied for a creative job on Anonymous website. Thankful to get a response, I instantly told Darth that I would Google Chat with him about the position. What follows is a most interesting story. The phrases in the parenthesis are what Mother, She Wrote really thought about the dialogue.

Darth:  Hi Sally

me:  Hi!

(I'm genuinely excited here. Really take a moment and focus on the "!", I use these sparingly.)

Darth:  Happy Monday

me:  Same to you1

(Since Monday's aren't happy, I'm thrown off, as shown by my Freudian type-o. Going for the "!" again, but accidentally swiping the "1" is a classic mistake.)

Darth:  thanks

Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

me:  It was okay. How was yours?

(I say this only to appease him, I don't really care about Darth's Thanksgiving, I'm more interested in getting my project assignment while Daughter's not screaming.)

Darth:  quiet and relaxing

BTW I'm waiting to get called into

a meeting, so if I disappear suddenly, that's why

me:  No worries.

(I say "no worries" here, but really mean, "I don't have time for your bs Darth. I've appeased Daughter and this peace will only last moments. You're very thoughtful to contact me directly before your lame meeting, and it won't go unnoticed.")

Darth:  Was there anything in particular that attracted you to this story project?

me:  I'm doing creative writing now in my blog.

(The one you conveniently didn't read before you started wasting my time.)

Darth:  excellent

(I envisioned Mr. Burns when he said this. Ignite Heebie Jeebies.)

what is the link to the blog again?

me:  http://www.mothershewrote.com

Darth:  ah yes I remember

nice play on Jessica Fletcher

me:  Thanks!!!

(The "!" marks above are absolutely fake. One, I didn't come up with this 'nice play on Jessica Fletcher' so I'm just showing excitement sprinkled with guilt for the person who did. Two, I never watched Murder, She Wrote.)

Darth: Do you think you could write an entertaining story about a sore-footed woman in high heels? Perhaps a non-profit fundraiser or advertising sales rep? (Yes, I peeked at your CV)

(I would hope that you more than 'peeked' at my résumé before you contacted me.)

me:  That would be awesome.

(Notice the ".", I don't think this is awesome.)

Darth:  Is that an experience you can relate to?

me:  I think any woman can relate to being miserable in heels

Darth:  b rb

(All women are miserable in high heels, and could write a story focused on swollen feet and blisters by simply remembering a time she wore them against her instinct. Also, what does b rb mean? I desperately tried to figure out the acronym while I waited. I came up with nothing.)

Darth:  hi again

me:  Hi, I guess your meeting called

Darth:  indeed

I should have figured Monday after a long weekend would be busy

(Yawn)

Question for you

(I waited for this one question for six solid minutes. Darth went back offline again and came back on several times and I still waited.)

Darth:  Do you have a character in the back of your mind who you'd like to give life to?

Maybe someone you've wanted to write about, but haven't had an opportunity thus far?

(Go to Google Search, Insert Darth. Opportunity thus far sealed the deal for me. Take a moment and notice the italicized words above if you didn't catch them before.)

me:  Yes

(Here's what I found on Darth's Facebook Page. Icon=an action figure with a glow stick. Male with 28 friends--all female, all probably prey to his little sore feet fetish. About Darth: 'Nothing is more lovely than a woman in beautiful shoes.')

Darth:  How would you like to have that character star in this story?

(Crickets)

Darth:  In other words, would it be fun to give life to your character now? As opposed to trying to create a one-dimensional character for me?

(I'm heated and trying to calm down. Wasting my time to have a fantasy about women in high heels is unforgivable.)

me:  Ok just went on your FB page. Is this something you do often?

Pretend to give people work to **** with them? go to a bad place!

(I said exactly what I wanted--even taking out the '*' in the original dialogue and spelling out the bad place.)

Darth:  no

I don't know where it says that

Over the years I've hired a few dozen writers for this project.

(Crickets)

Darth:  Where did you read that I pretend to give people work?

(Blocking this user)

Darth:  That's absolutely not the case. These stories are very important to me, which is why I'm willing to pay for them.

(Copying and pasting dialogue to blog--the one you never read.)

The following illustration is that I envisioned each time I looked out any window for the rest of the day after I blocked Darth.

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Gluttony? Unclear on This End

[adsenseyu5] Turkey Day is my favorite holiday, filled with booze, family, and my favorite food groups--this year we part ways. I fast days in advance to consume more food than a small village in India for my favorite holiday. I spent the Day of Gluttony with my ex-fiance's family, without him. My anxiety started with Turkey morning's sunrise.

We focused on the baby to avoid sticky conversations--the room still changed subjects when I entered. I was wearing Guilt like a badge so nap time was a welcome reprieve from awkwardness. Ascending the stairs, I mentally noted the food till gone ratio--silently begging Random Cousin not to eat all the spinach casserole. Had there been a spouse present this would be interpreted as 'Save a Plate' in short. I went to the 'Battle of Nap Time' spouse-less, thus ill prepared--no one heard my stomach pleading for a plate.

I fought her to go down, maintaining the figure eight rotation until my arms failed. When night-time came over her, I snuck her onto the warm blankie--hoping to curb her alarm to the body temperature change--no success. With every mishap, I heard silverware hitting china and was certain that the Pseudo Ex-In Laws were in a gluttonous stupor. Chairs screeching across the floor increased my heart palpitations to startle her into alertness--she smirked at my ill-fated attempts. My mom arms became more defined with every movement, calorie use increased, and my starvation threshold escalated. Talking and laughter were equally irksome as this was a clear indication the Gluttons had moved on from thinking about their tummies to the secondary tasks of socializing. Inevitably, the end was near.

Sweating, I finally snuck out of her room sans protest. Walking down the stairs, I noticed there was no seat for the Ex Fiance Baby Mama. Child in Bed + Pseudo Ex-In Laws House for Turkey Day = Uncomfortable. I secretly wanted to feign failure and bring her down with me so I would have a distraction to focus on. I manned up, lifted my shoulders and descended proudly into the eatery. I grabbed a random plate with the determination of a presidential candidate. I owned this food. As I strolled up to the buffet, it affirmed all my fears. There were 4-5 grains of cold, sticky rice left for the taking--the dressing and the rest of the turkey pairings were consumed. The tears started before I had time to choke them back. They were on a mission and I wasn't winning this war. I had an out-of-body experience and I looked foolish. Foolish for thinking this was my family. Foolish for believing lies. Foolish for bringing her here out of my own best judgment just so they could be with her.

An after-thought plate was made by a gentlemen who saw my sadness clearly enough to know that a plate of scraps would make all the difference. The plate of death is resting in the microwave now, wrapped in its shroud of tin foil. I'm protesting Turkey Day. Thanksgiving, you're no longer my favorite holiday. My eyes are still swollen--I will fast on you from this day forward.

*Loosely based on fact but purely fiction

Pepper Spray Job Resume

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Objective: To obtain a job successfully torturing innocent victims

  • Obtained unprecedented retinal damage, totaling 2K eyes with potential reach of 5K, depending on level of diffusion
  • Represented Corrupt Police Officials nationwide using rapid response capabilities
  • Decreased protester's moral by 80%, and back talk by more than 50% under strict deadlines
  • Persuaded numerous eyes to close by utilizing inflammatory response to cause pain, and tears
  • Coordinated operations and communications with retina nerve endings across various departments, steering the success of torture
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