While You Were Rearing Week Update

[adsenseyu5] Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner's water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.

The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT's for them.

The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt's hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.

Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.

Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered "to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on."

PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.

Arizona's crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world's tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter's homes.

The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.

Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.

Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.

Friday's Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.

Click me to subscribe.

[adsenseyu5]

Am I Erin Brockovich? No, but I am a Detective

[adsenseyu5] Special Interest Groups at their finest. A village with 4,000 people in Pennsylvania received leasing offers from Range Resources hoping to use their land for fracking, with the ability to drill thousands of miles under their property, and two miles in any direction. Range Resources offered more money than these people would see in their entire lifetimes, so most accepted. Fracking is not a fraternity hacking system, but a way for natural gas companies to pump vast quantities of water, sand, and chemicals miles into the earth to free gas bubbles from ancient rock. It has brought 23,000 new jobs to the area. Hotels are packed, restaurant's sales are up, and they even have newly paved roads! Bling, freaking, bling.

Stacey Haney lives in the village as a single mother of two, with more animals than a circus. She signed the lease in 2008. At the local fair in 2010 Stacey ran into a horse trainer, Beth Voyles, who had also signed the lease the same year. Beth's 1 1/2 year old boxer had just died unexpectedly. Stacy and Beth's series of unfortunate events follows.

Disclaimer: Range Resources only uses ethylene glycol in the fracking process so I've come up with some possible scenarios for what really happened to the 'victims' in this story.

1. Both Stacey's and Beth's dogs died unexpectedly. Likely story. A copy of "The Pact" was seen floating around both their kennels shortly after their body's were found.

2. Beth's boxers began to abort litters and birth babes with legs missing. Babes were born with cleft-pallets--probably seeking donations from the Smile Train--and/or the litter would die all together--once again 'The Pact' comes to mind. Family traditions are strong for a reason.

3. Stacey's faucets began to eat themselves, along with her washing machine, hot water heater and dishwasher--clearly falling prey to Kenmore commercials with feeling of inferiority. When Stacey showered, she received a complementary fragrance from Range Resources called *"Rotten Eggs and Diarrhea".  Mother, She Wrote still isn't sure this complaint is valid.

*only available with lease, no other promos apply for this offer

4. Stacey's son, Harley was playing hooky from school so often that she took him to the doctor, claiming he couldn't lift his head. The cough-cough, doctor said Harley had high levels of arsenic in his blood. Mother, She Wrote says this is just a clear indication that he took playing hooky to the extreme. Everyone knows a body can only ingest small amounts of arsenic without it being traced.

5. Stacey soon tested positive for arsenic, benzene, and toluene in her blood. Mother, She Wrote says Stacey poisoned herself to one-up her son, thus removing him from his Deceptive Hooky Spotlight. As Unknown said, "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother."

6. Beth developed nose and throat blisters, headaches and nosebleeds, joint aches, rashes, an inability to concentrate, along with a metal taste in her mouth. Really? She probably went on a binge, burned her nose and throat numerous times while trying to lite a cigarette, passed-out in the cold to aggravate her joints therefore falling prey to mosquitoes and scratching relentlessly while inebriated therefore causing rashes. All this coupled with eating a bike is bound to make anyone lose concentration.

Update: Stacey and Beth have both moved away from their land and home. Stacey used her first royalty check of $9,000 in the following ways:

1. $4,500 co-pays and deductibles for doctors' visits

2. $1,150 for gas to commute from her children to feeding her animals, because her home was no longer a safe haven

3. $2,700 for taxes on the earnings

4. $750 for a down payment on a camper--Stacey's new home

Legislation Update

1. Who was the Vice President and the former CEO of Halliburton, a Fracking Company in 2005? Dick Cheney, who once tried to shoot our beloved W, spearheaded an amendment that would have required companies like Halliburton to show the chemicals that are being pumped into the ground while fracking--remember, not fraternity slang!

2. Currently, companies in Pennsylvania pay no tax to extract gas. Sweet!

Click me to subscribe.

[adsenseyu5]

Thanksgiving Eve's While You Were Rearing

[adsenseyu5] Egypt's uprisings will never end. Protesters now picket for Mubarak's legacy sprinkled with general anger, resentment, and feelings that the revolution has been taken from them. The military ruling council promises to speed the transition to civilian rule--elections begin next week with the muslim brotherhood expecting dominance.

A recent closed captioning poll found that Mitt Romney's Mormon religion will cause problems for his primary. Donald of Pennsylvania, with 14 wives and 300 children, says he "can't get past Mitt only having one wife." Donald acted on faith to take on 13 women--additional marriages are lined up every month next year. Donald deals daily with "thousands of extra hormones, and countless losses to his identity due to so many X's chromosomes floating around." He feels any respectable leader should carry this burden as well.

The SEC accused Michael Perry of IndyMac Bancorp of fraud for back-dating books to hide financial problems. Perry testified that someone told him to do it so the SEC is contemplating dropping the charges. Perry went further to say his 3rd grade teacher, "Mrs. Clinton told me to always do as I was told," and he felt strongly that, even as he matured, he shouldn't let her down.

ABA American Bar Association has rejected more of Obama's potential judicial nominees and labeled them as non-qualified. Since all the poor ratings went to women and minority groups, women's rights groups across the country are volunteering to Kick Ass and Take Names for Turkey Day.

Twenty students on Long Island are now accused of cheating in vain on the SAT as most commercial colleges now allow students to enter with fake high school graduation credentials such as a 'Made by Johnny' diplomas. Teachers from Dallas, TX who were involved in the recent grade-school scandal are flying to Long Island for an emergency meeting to teach corruption after the holidays.

Merck settled a suit for $950 million for promoting Vioxx--a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis--before the FDA. Vioxx causes heart problems, and sadly Merck didn't pull it from the market before 25 million people sans health insurance raced to the ER to increase the federal deficit.

West Hollywood bans the selling of fur. One for PETA. Zero for the Indians.

South Korea approves free a trade pact with US. “The legislators were passing a bill which will make ordinary people shed bitter tears,” Kim Sun-dong, a member of the small opposition Korea Democratic Labor Party, told a crowd of supporters on Tuesday night, explaining why he had sprayed tear gas. “So I detonated tear gas so that they too shed tears, even if theirs were fake tears.” (I wish I was funny enough to make up that quote, but sadly I am not, this is authentic.)

[adsenseyu5]

Click me to subscribe