You Reared, I Wrote - Thursday's Update

[adsenseyu5] Republicans aren't raising enough money, therefore struggling to gain senate seats. Candidates clearly didn't take direction from Xing Wu Pan, a fundraiser for comptroller John C. Liu in NY. Pan funneled money into Liu's campaign intending to sidestep campaign donation restrictions. Silly Pan.

Obama rejects the EPA's plan to reduce smog. This comes only after the man who fired an automatic rifle at the White House last week was found and taken into custody.

Obama plans to increase our military presence in Australia just after scholars in China granted Russian PM Vladimir Putin with the Confucius Peace Prize for his "iron hand and toughness." Putin was given Confucius specifically for his invasion of Chechnya in 1999 and his disapproval of the recent NATO bombings in Libya. Other candidates included Bill Gates, and Gyaiancain Norbu. Norbu is the Chinese Government appointed Panchen Lama. The Dali Lama chose Nyima as the original Penchen Lama 16 years ago. Nyima has since mysteriously disappeared, with only silence from the Chinese Government. Mother, She Wrote gives Putin and the Chinese Government the Golden Acorn Award.

Finally, the last Munchkin has departed Munchkin land permanently. Karl Slover passed away at 93. There's no place like home.

Tomato Paste is a Veggie follow-up. Based on a study at UNC, children get more calories from pizza than any other food. Childhood obesity has also tripled in the last 30 years.

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While You Were Rearing, Tuesday Edition

Republican candidate Herman Cain is once again accused of making crude advances. Sharon Bialek, a native of Chicago and the first women to come forward, said Cain made inappropriate advances to her in 1997 when she asked him for help to find a job. I'm working on mastering time management, so for the rest of the week as women continuously come forward my Caucus While You Were Rearing update will be"Cain’s campaign stated the accusations were false. "

Conrad Robert Murray gets written into the dictionary beside ‘Michael Jackson’s Killer.’  The Jury convicted Murray of involuntary manslaughter when he administered a powerful anesthetic that helped kill the pop star. Murray’s attorney’s painted him as an ‘Angel of Mercy’, who only gave Jackson a small dose on the day he died while the prosecution painted him as a reckless caregiver who gave Jackson medication without proper precautions. Murray faces four years and will be sentenced on November 29.

The nations biggest financial companies have been in violation of the law 51 times since 1996. When they originally got in trouble they whimpered and the SEC slapped their little financial hands. This time, dunce hats for a week.

Wal-Mart benefits from consumer's wrath toward banks by providing customers with à la cart financial services. This press release was immediately picked up by international news associations when 'a la cart' and 'Wal-Mart' were spotted in the same news article.

A multi-million dollar project in Britain will take 10 years to build, and fill up an entire room. Unfortunately, it's not an anti-aging device but a computer built to answer the question 'Did Charles Babbage conceive of the first programmable computer in the 1830s, a hundred years before its modern form?' Sadly, I don't care.

Joe Frazier dies at only 67 years old. Frazier is best known for winning the heavyweight title at Madison Square Garden in 1971 in the 'Fight of the Century.' However, most people at the water cooler don't know that Frazier moved from South Carolina to Philadelphia because he lacked adequate training material. Before the move, he used scraps such as  corn cobs, coal briquettes, and his mom's old clothing to fill his punching bag.

Finally, can you guess which American philanthropist and socialite should have owned this dog? Leave your answer as a comment and I'll share the secret answer tomorrow.

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While You Were Rearing

Top political news today is Herman Cain's scandal, which according to Herman, was leaked by an aid of Perry's. Cain's supporters have been with him in spirit, with campaign contribution's peeking over the last two days. For the rest of us, we should just relax and give Cain a virtual hug. Politicians come with scandals to teach the American people perseverance through trying times. [caption id="attachment_158" align="alignleft" width="245" caption="Weiner"][/caption]

From Kerry's Vietnam Christmas adventure, to Schwarzenegger's love child, to Weiner's wiener. These humble acts are performed for us. Honestly, did Weiner have a chance? He can't even hear his name without running to a Sexaholic Anonymous Meeting. Thanks for teaching us perverseness Congress. Our hats, and nothing else, go off to you.

As for aging,  you can now stay in the sun, smoke, and consume alcohol in massive quantities without paying the consequences. Scientists at the Mayo Clinic discovered and eliminated 'bad actor' cells, which age your tissue. Genetically modified mice successfully self destructed these aging cells in a recent lab test. Pretty neat. Heidi Montag has volunteered to be the first human to try to the experiment. She aspires to be known as the only person to blow up her aging cells while smoking.

Lastly, I am going on the record to say this app will be disastrous. The application allows you to click to date someone based on their proximity to you and availability to have a drink. Date rapists rejoiced until they discovered the app gives users control over the amount of personal information provided. Daters are frustrated with the snail pace of online dating--welcome to the next step beyond personal ads.

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