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I was pressed for time. My interview was in two hours but naturally I had gotten up four hours ahead of time knowing Daughter would prove impossible on such an important morning. I thought of some of the things I've mastered, but can't put on the resume.
1. Perfected Bladder Holding capabilities. Able to hold bladder until infection, stemming from the desire to embrace Mother, She Wrote respite over pp interruption.
2. Authored Eating Avoidance: A How to Guide to Prevent Faintness Resulting from a Sudden Drop in Blood Sugar. Please see the write-up below featured in Times Book Review.
According to her new book Eating Avoidance by Mother, She Wrote, "simply surviving on fear, which results when one project doesn't get completed, will nix your bodies natural desire to faint." She goes on to encourage you to press through feelings of faintness by really honing in on the emotions that will surface when Daughter wakes from night-night land and the to-do list's last project mocks you.
3. Adopted the Sleep When Dead Mentality.
4. Mastered Ambidextrous Best Practices. More times than not, Mother, She Wrote is a Left Handed Keyboard Pecker as her right is being used as a security blankie.
5. Strengthened Reaction Time. Once opened cabinet and caught a can of soup with her left elbow, imprisoning it to the cabinet door as she continued making soup.
6. Invented Patience. Now owning traffic, Mother, She Wrote catches up on talk radio in preparation for her next adult conversation, allowing multiple cut-offs and even using caution at yellow lights.
7. Translated Gibberish on a daily basis from the same Daughter with multiple languages.
8. Revitalized Creative Concepts. Dominating all art projects within the home. Please see insert in portfolio for Mother, She Wrote vs. Daughter comparison.
9. Executed Rapid Response each morning. Sadly, Daughter can't be snoozed.
10. Motivated and supervised Potty Time resulting in Poopoo Potty Award of Excellence 2011.
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