What Am I? Body

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I can be large or small. I'm usually under the radar, but become fussy with too much company, preferring my independence. You can hold me, or sometimes you can't.

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Things I'll Never Understand Part 2

[adsenseyu5] 1. What Three Dog Night meant by "1 being the loneliest number." Honestly, "0" is the loneliest number--it has nothing, what could be more lonely than that?

2. Why Republican's have names like Newt and Mitt, while Democrats' are okay with Joe.

3. Why we dress our children like clowns before the age of two and then become confused when they develop Clown Phobia as adults.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. How to be comfortable in a modern house.

6. Why plates are hung on walls for decoration. We always used these to eat growing up.

7. Jehovah Witness recruitment – If your going to compete with me to get into heaven why do you want me on your team?

8. Dogs without tails.

10. A. Glamour Shots. See photos, these are not your friends. B. The need to caress collars while posing. (No there was no confirmation on the sex of picture 2.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. Paying more than $12.99 for a bottle for wine. I only go for the $12.99 bottle to look like I know what I’m doing, but can tell no actual difference above the $6.99 mark.

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Over Nourished is Malnourished

[adsenseyu5] Authorities just took the 8 year boy, "Nameless," out of his mother's home and placed him in foster care for weighing 218 lbs. According to the Department of Children and Family Services, Nameless was placed in foster care for medical neglect. They worked with the mother for more than a year about his weight problem. Nameless suffers from sleep apnea, but doesn't suffer from childhood diabetes or high blood pressure. Nameless participates in school activities and he's on the honor roll.

 

Over the past 10 years type 2 diabetes in children has increased by 150 percent. Nameless should have weighed around 52 lbs. Sadly, 20% of children ages 6-11 are obese, and 30 to 40% will develop diabetes. These same children are also at risk for heart disease, high blood pressure and cholesterol, along with depression.

 

Overeating is a form of malnutrition. It's very easy to blame parents but we should also focus on what our children are eating at school. If our children were under nourished at school, our reaction to the school lunch program would be much different. Singapore increased nutrition in its school lunch programs and physical activity for children and teachers and reduced obesity by almost 30–50%. Why can't we? Most recently we were blocked by Special Interest Groups. Here's an earlier post as a recap.

 

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Marilyn Monroe - Interesting Facts

[adsenseyu5] Based strictly on the trailer "My Week with Marilyn" starring Michelle Williams should be phenomenal. It's set in England in 1956 when Marilyn was making “The Prince and the Showgirl.”

Here are a few facts about Marilyn you may not know:

1. She had 12 sets of foster parents.

2. For twenty years after Marilyn died, Joe DiMaggio delivered roses to her grave three times a week. Famous last words, 'I'll finally get to see Marilyn."

3. Marilyn rinsed her face 15 times after each wash.

4. She did not have 11 toes although this is a widely believed rumor.

 

Stuff I Can't Make Up

[adsenseyu5] I applied for a creative job on Anonymous website. Thankful to get a response, I instantly told Darth that I would Google Chat with him about the position. What follows is a most interesting story. The phrases in the parenthesis are what Mother, She Wrote really thought about the dialogue.

Darth:  Hi Sally

me:  Hi!

(I'm genuinely excited here. Really take a moment and focus on the "!", I use these sparingly.)

Darth:  Happy Monday

me:  Same to you1

(Since Monday's aren't happy, I'm thrown off, as shown by my Freudian type-o. Going for the "!" again, but accidentally swiping the "1" is a classic mistake.)

Darth:  thanks

Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

me:  It was okay. How was yours?

(I say this only to appease him, I don't really care about Darth's Thanksgiving, I'm more interested in getting my project assignment while Daughter's not screaming.)

Darth:  quiet and relaxing

BTW I'm waiting to get called into

a meeting, so if I disappear suddenly, that's why

me:  No worries.

(I say "no worries" here, but really mean, "I don't have time for your bs Darth. I've appeased Daughter and this peace will only last moments. You're very thoughtful to contact me directly before your lame meeting, and it won't go unnoticed.")

Darth:  Was there anything in particular that attracted you to this story project?

me:  I'm doing creative writing now in my blog.

(The one you conveniently didn't read before you started wasting my time.)

Darth:  excellent

(I envisioned Mr. Burns when he said this. Ignite Heebie Jeebies.)

what is the link to the blog again?

me:  http://www.mothershewrote.com

Darth:  ah yes I remember

nice play on Jessica Fletcher

me:  Thanks!!!

(The "!" marks above are absolutely fake. One, I didn't come up with this 'nice play on Jessica Fletcher' so I'm just showing excitement sprinkled with guilt for the person who did. Two, I never watched Murder, She Wrote.)

Darth: Do you think you could write an entertaining story about a sore-footed woman in high heels? Perhaps a non-profit fundraiser or advertising sales rep? (Yes, I peeked at your CV)

(I would hope that you more than 'peeked' at my résumé before you contacted me.)

me:  That would be awesome.

(Notice the ".", I don't think this is awesome.)

Darth:  Is that an experience you can relate to?

me:  I think any woman can relate to being miserable in heels

Darth:  b rb

(All women are miserable in high heels, and could write a story focused on swollen feet and blisters by simply remembering a time she wore them against her instinct. Also, what does b rb mean? I desperately tried to figure out the acronym while I waited. I came up with nothing.)

Darth:  hi again

me:  Hi, I guess your meeting called

Darth:  indeed

I should have figured Monday after a long weekend would be busy

(Yawn)

Question for you

(I waited for this one question for six solid minutes. Darth went back offline again and came back on several times and I still waited.)

Darth:  Do you have a character in the back of your mind who you'd like to give life to?

Maybe someone you've wanted to write about, but haven't had an opportunity thus far?

(Go to Google Search, Insert Darth. Opportunity thus far sealed the deal for me. Take a moment and notice the italicized words above if you didn't catch them before.)

me:  Yes

(Here's what I found on Darth's Facebook Page. Icon=an action figure with a glow stick. Male with 28 friends--all female, all probably prey to his little sore feet fetish. About Darth: 'Nothing is more lovely than a woman in beautiful shoes.')

Darth:  How would you like to have that character star in this story?

(Crickets)

Darth:  In other words, would it be fun to give life to your character now? As opposed to trying to create a one-dimensional character for me?

(I'm heated and trying to calm down. Wasting my time to have a fantasy about women in high heels is unforgivable.)

me:  Ok just went on your FB page. Is this something you do often?

Pretend to give people work to **** with them? go to a bad place!

(I said exactly what I wanted--even taking out the '*' in the original dialogue and spelling out the bad place.)

Darth:  no

I don't know where it says that

Over the years I've hired a few dozen writers for this project.

(Crickets)

Darth:  Where did you read that I pretend to give people work?

(Blocking this user)

Darth:  That's absolutely not the case. These stories are very important to me, which is why I'm willing to pay for them.

(Copying and pasting dialogue to blog--the one you never read.)

The following illustration is that I envisioned each time I looked out any window for the rest of the day after I blocked Darth.

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Pitting

[adsenseyu5] We have a gene in our family that allows us to pit continuously, specifically in stressful situations. The gene has been negative toward us most of our lives, often resulting with family members being labeled as 'yellow underarm' or 'unable to wear a business shirt without pads in place.' I have started pitting again, most recently due to a high stress environment. Below is are some illustrations of pitting and a simple step to follow to limit its' embarrassment.

 

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Am I Erin Brockovich? No, but I am a Detective

[adsenseyu5] Special Interest Groups at their finest. A village with 4,000 people in Pennsylvania received leasing offers from Range Resources hoping to use their land for fracking, with the ability to drill thousands of miles under their property, and two miles in any direction. Range Resources offered more money than these people would see in their entire lifetimes, so most accepted. Fracking is not a fraternity hacking system, but a way for natural gas companies to pump vast quantities of water, sand, and chemicals miles into the earth to free gas bubbles from ancient rock. It has brought 23,000 new jobs to the area. Hotels are packed, restaurant's sales are up, and they even have newly paved roads! Bling, freaking, bling.

Stacey Haney lives in the village as a single mother of two, with more animals than a circus. She signed the lease in 2008. At the local fair in 2010 Stacey ran into a horse trainer, Beth Voyles, who had also signed the lease the same year. Beth's 1 1/2 year old boxer had just died unexpectedly. Stacy and Beth's series of unfortunate events follows.

Disclaimer: Range Resources only uses ethylene glycol in the fracking process so I've come up with some possible scenarios for what really happened to the 'victims' in this story.

1. Both Stacey's and Beth's dogs died unexpectedly. Likely story. A copy of "The Pact" was seen floating around both their kennels shortly after their body's were found.

 

 

2. Beth's boxers began to abort litters and birth babes with legs missing. Babes were born with cleft-pallets--probably seeking donations from the Smile Train--and/or the litter would die all together--once again 'The Pact' comes to mind. Family traditions are strong for a reason.

3. Stacey's faucets began to eat themselves, along with her washing machine, hot water heater and dishwasher--clearly falling prey to Kenmore commercials with feeling of inferiority. When Stacey showered, she received a complementary fragrance from Range Resources called *"Rotten Eggs and Diarrhea".  Mother, She Wrote still isn't sure this complaint is valid.

*only available with lease, no other promos apply for this offer

4. Stacey's son, Harley was playing hooky from school so often that she took him to the doctor, claiming he couldn't lift his head. The cough-cough, doctor said Harley had high levels of arsenic in his blood. Mother, She Wrote says this is just a clear indication that he took playing hooky to the extreme. Everyone knows a body can only ingest small amounts of arsenic without it being traced.

5. Stacey soon tested positive for arsenic, benzene, and toluene in her blood. Mother, She Wrote says Stacey poisoned herself to one-up her son, thus removing him from his Deceptive Hooky Spotlight. As Unknown said, "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother."

6. Beth developed nose and throat blisters, headaches and nosebleeds, joint aches, rashes, an inability to concentrate, along with a metal taste in her mouth. Really? She probably went on a binge, burned her nose and throat numerous times while trying to lite a cigarette, passed-out in the cold to aggravate her joints therefore falling prey to mosquitoes and scratching relentlessly while inebriated therefore causing rashes. All this coupled with eating a bike is bound to make anyone lose concentration.

Update: Stacey and Beth have both moved away from their land and home. Stacey used her first royalty check of $9,000 in the following ways:

1. $4,500 co-pays and deductibles for doctors' visits

2. $1,150 for gas to commute from her children to feeding her animals, because her home was no longer a safe haven

3. $2,700 for taxes on the earnings

4. $750 for a down payment on a camper--Stacey's new home

Legislation Update

1. Who was the Vice President and the former CEO of Halliburton, a Fracking Company in 2005? Dick Cheney, who once tried to shoot our beloved W, spearheaded an amendment that would have required companies like Halliburton to show the chemicals that are being pumped into the ground while fracking--remember, not fraternity slang!

2. Currently, companies in Pennsylvania pay no tax to extract gas. Sweet!

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Romance Between a Cigarette and her Lighter

[adsenseyu5] Cigarette and Lighter enter a counselor's office.

Counselor: So what seems to be the problem in the relationship?

Cigarette: Our sparks were robust in the beginning, dinner provided a constant flare. Now, I'm more interested in him than he is me--I'm dependent on him for my sparkle. Sure, other Lighters come along, but they just don't glow for me. Something about his flame keeps me going.

Lighter: Ciggs is right, it was great at inception, and the flicker was genuine. I'm now feeling taxed-her need for flare is overwhelming. Ciggs won't use any other Lighter. She's demanding, I always have to light. My flame is addictive but I can't be responsible for Ciggs' happiness.

Cigarette: I know I'm not enough for him. He was obsessed with smoldering in the beginning. Always wanting to light me and smolder, light me and smolder. I burn too quickly for him now, and I just can't burn enough! He sneaks into the washing machine to get away from me. His Drying time now takes priority over Smoldering and Lighting, Smoldering and Lighting.

Lighter: She's right, I hide in Pants to find quiet time. Washing Machine allows me to plan my future while cycling in solitude to my zen place. Drying-out provides me with the solace I need to develop my business plan sans Ciggs' demands. I really want to move on to greener pastures. I'm more interested in igniting these and encouraging global warming. What about Lighter Uprising? I can't do this one Filter at a time. Ciggs is holding me back.

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Some Things I'll Never Understand

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Here's a list of some things I'll never understand.

1. How to fold a fitted sheet. It's best to just crumple it up and put it away. The results are similar to folding, saving time and mental frustration.

2. Why anyone would go to Walmart on black Friday. People actually say yes to 1. Being herded as cattle 2. Stampeded and/or pepper sprayed when my fellow cows get upset 3. Waiting in lines to check out when I could have pressed 'Process' from my computer.

3. Why Mom blogs are all about your kids. I have a child of my own, not interested in yours.

4. That cowboy boots weren't made for squashing bugs in a corner.

5. Theme parks making money in the winter.

6. Vacationing at a ski resort over a beach. You're paying to work.

7. Working out not to lose weight.

8. Dressage - look it up. If you move the muscle in your right upper thigh slightly you are giving a secret signal to 'Black Beauty' and win a price.

9. Why I am the only adult/former child who hadn't seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang until yesterday. Now I'm certain where the therapy stems from.

10. Toy manufacturer's still make money when all children really need are products you can get from a tree.

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Gluttony? Unclear on This End

[adsenseyu5] Turkey Day is my favorite holiday, filled with booze, family, and my favorite food groups--this year we part ways. I fast days in advance to consume more food than a small village in India for my favorite holiday. I spent the Day of Gluttony with my ex-fiance's family, without him. My anxiety started with Turkey morning's sunrise.

We focused on the baby to avoid sticky conversations--the room still changed subjects when I entered. I was wearing Guilt like a badge so nap time was a welcome reprieve from awkwardness. Ascending the stairs, I mentally noted the food till gone ratio--silently begging Random Cousin not to eat all the spinach casserole. Had there been a spouse present this would be interpreted as 'Save a Plate' in short. I went to the 'Battle of Nap Time' spouse-less, thus ill prepared--no one heard my stomach pleading for a plate.

I fought her to go down, maintaining the figure eight rotation until my arms failed. When night-time came over her, I snuck her onto the warm blankie--hoping to curb her alarm to the body temperature change--no success. With every mishap, I heard silverware hitting china and was certain that the Pseudo Ex-In Laws were in a gluttonous stupor. Chairs screeching across the floor increased my heart palpitations to startle her into alertness--she smirked at my ill-fated attempts. My mom arms became more defined with every movement, calorie use increased, and my starvation threshold escalated. Talking and laughter were equally irksome as this was a clear indication the Gluttons had moved on from thinking about their tummies to the secondary tasks of socializing. Inevitably, the end was near.

Sweating, I finally snuck out of her room sans protest. Walking down the stairs, I noticed there was no seat for the Ex Fiance Baby Mama. Child in Bed + Pseudo Ex-In Laws House for Turkey Day = Uncomfortable. I secretly wanted to feign failure and bring her down with me so I would have a distraction to focus on. I manned up, lifted my shoulders and descended proudly into the eatery. I grabbed a random plate with the determination of a presidential candidate. I owned this food. As I strolled up to the buffet, it affirmed all my fears. There were 4-5 grains of cold, sticky rice left for the taking--the dressing and the rest of the turkey pairings were consumed. The tears started before I had time to choke them back. They were on a mission and I wasn't winning this war. I had an out-of-body experience and I looked foolish. Foolish for thinking this was my family. Foolish for believing lies. Foolish for bringing her here out of my own best judgment just so they could be with her.

An after-thought plate was made by a gentlemen who saw my sadness clearly enough to know that a plate of scraps would make all the difference. The plate of death is resting in the microwave now, wrapped in its shroud of tin foil. I'm protesting Turkey Day. Thanksgiving, you're no longer my favorite holiday. My eyes are still swollen--I will fast on you from this day forward.

*Loosely based on fact but purely fiction

Pilgrim and Indian Folk Tales

[adsenseyu5] Forty-three million turkeys sacrificed themselves for your Thanksgiving dinner this year. More than likely the turkey you're eating is a Broad Breasted White and came from a Butterball plant in Arkansas. Lines in the factory run 7 days a week starting in October so that you can have laughter, gluttony, and booze with your family today.

The first Thanksgiving was in 1621--deer was eaten in place of turkey. If turkey had been eaten it would have been able to fly and more importantly killed in a party of one and not on an assembly line with 10,000 others.

Thanksgiving stories featuring the Pilgrims and Indians.

The Pilgrims came to the land of the free on the Mayflower, landing on Plymouth Rock in 1620.

Fantasy Land: Plymouth Rock

Reality: Plymouth Rock

Fantasy Land: The Indians and Jesus loving Pilgrims co-mingled and their children played together--even going as far as sharing feathers and other Indian garb.

Reality: The Pilgrims werent culturally inviting and didn't stick feathers in their caps. Also, putting one in your cap will not make macaroni.

Fantasy Land: The Jesus loving Pilgrims endured hardships but persevered to became the backbone of our nation with the help of the Indians who gave the Pilgrims maize. In return the Pilgrims put Jesus into the hearts of the Indians.

Reality: In later years after the Jesus loving Pilgrims found they could sustain themselves sans Indians, they gave the Indians blankets sprinkled with small pox in return for their gift of maize.

 

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Liberty, Peace, and the 3rd Place Turkey

[adsenseyu5] Liberty, along with his understudy Peace, was chosen from 30 finalists. We talked to the other 28 fallen soldiers who were not chosen to find out their experiences in the trenches and more importantly their opinions on being losers. Below are the top 3 responses received from various rejected turkeys.

1. If only we were living in Israel, we could have been kosher and not dinner.

2. If only we resembled the Lilac-breasted Roller, we would be on a boat to Kenya and not the chopping block.

3. If only my name was Fannie or Freddie instead of Tom the Turkey, I would be with Liberty and Peace right now.

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Thanksgiving Eve's While You Were Rearing

[adsenseyu5] Egypt's uprisings will never end. Protesters now picket for Mubarak's legacy sprinkled with general anger, resentment, and feelings that the revolution has been taken from them. The military ruling council promises to speed the transition to civilian rule--elections begin next week with the muslim brotherhood expecting dominance.

A recent closed captioning poll found that Mitt Romney's Mormon religion will cause problems for his primary. Donald of Pennsylvania, with 14 wives and 300 children, says he "can't get past Mitt only having one wife." Donald acted on faith to take on 13 women--additional marriages are lined up every month next year. Donald deals daily with "thousands of extra hormones, and countless losses to his identity due to so many X's chromosomes floating around." He feels any respectable leader should carry this burden as well.

The SEC accused Michael Perry of IndyMac Bancorp of fraud for back-dating books to hide financial problems. Perry testified that someone told him to do it so the SEC is contemplating dropping the charges. Perry went further to say his 3rd grade teacher, "Mrs. Clinton told me to always do as I was told," and he felt strongly that, even as he matured, he shouldn't let her down.

ABA American Bar Association has rejected more of Obama's potential judicial nominees and labeled them as non-qualified. Since all the poor ratings went to women and minority groups, women's rights groups across the country are volunteering to Kick Ass and Take Names for Turkey Day.

Twenty students on Long Island are now accused of cheating in vain on the SAT as most commercial colleges now allow students to enter with fake high school graduation credentials such as a 'Made by Johnny' diplomas. Teachers from Dallas, TX who were involved in the recent grade-school scandal are flying to Long Island for an emergency meeting to teach corruption after the holidays.

Merck settled a suit for $950 million for promoting Vioxx--a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis--before the FDA. Vioxx causes heart problems, and sadly Merck didn't pull it from the market before 25 million people sans health insurance raced to the ER to increase the federal deficit.

West Hollywood bans the selling of fur. One for PETA. Zero for the Indians.

 

 

 

South Korea approves free a trade pact with US. “The legislators were passing a bill which will make ordinary people shed bitter tears,” Kim Sun-dong, a member of the small opposition Korea Democratic Labor Party, told a crowd of supporters on Tuesday night, explaining why he had sprayed tear gas. “So I detonated tear gas so that they too shed tears, even if theirs were fake tears.” (I wish I was funny enough to make up that quote, but sadly I am not, this is authentic.)

 

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Let's Teach Our Children to Lie, Cheat, and Steal!!

[adsenseyu5] An elementary school in Dallas, Texas was given exemplary status--the highest possible academic status--for academic achievement. Sadly, these teachers only taught Reading and Math--the only subjects for which the student's are tested--to their 3rd graders last year. The teachers just invented grades for the other subjects the students should have been taking. So Johnny's 'A' in Social Studies was an invention by his teacher, Mrs. Dbag. He actually missed a full academic year of school in this subject. Parents however, didn't know this, because the school didn't notify them of the curriculum change.

Followed closely behind Texas, is Connecticut with the Idiot Award for slapping cheating teachers with 25 hours of community service, which includes tutoring after-school children. Nine of the twelve accused are teaching once more. 1. Go to school 2. Pick up child 3. Transfer.

This of course is right on the heels of an incident in Atlanta where teachers changed student's answers last July. DC is now under investigation also after a suspicious hike in test scores.

Statistics show that one out of four 3rd graders who have lived in poverty and are not reading at grade level will drop out or fail to graduate by 19--a rate more than 6 times that of proficient readers. If given the option to take my child out of a corrupt public school or wait for the system to fix itself, more parents than not would chose to give their child a better education. This leaves children who can't afford a more expensive education to pay for the defects in our education system. It's honestly maddening. The Federal Education Department's budget is bait for schools whose teachers are spending too much money on erasers and not enough time teaching the next generation. Our Children deserve much better.

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While You Were Rearing -- Thanksgiving Eve Eve

[adsenseyu5] Egypt's interim government quits on the third day of protests, just as an ironic disconnect developed between the political elite and the protesters. Thirty-five were reported killed, but Doctors are pressured to remain mum about those killed by live ammunition. NGO's were relieved when an anonymous gunman stated that "The live ammunition only killed thugs."

The Super Committee crawled down to protesters begging for forgiveness in a recent fantasy. The panel of 12 couldn't decide on a plan to cut our government spending by 1.2 trillion over the next 10 years, which means mandatory spending cuts will begin in 2013.

According to a special interest group that snuck into the meeting, below is an illegal recording of some of the blah, blah, blah that happened during the 10 weeks.

Democratic Random: "We need to give everyone a chance so for the first nine weeks let's allow the Republicans to do all the talking. Even though their inferior, I know they can find a solution if given an opportunity."

Republican Random: "Let's do nothing and work through the weekend at the last-minute. Either way it's not our problem, and in the end we can just blame Democratic Random or the President."

Since the only qualifications for being on the committee were "We need to do something, somehow, someway, within some time frame," several protesters have volunteered to help cut spending."

 

 

Pfizer launched a new bumper sticker with the phrase, "American Companies for Americans." Pfizer recently laid off 1,000 employees and slashed their own research budgets in an unselfish venture to buy back their own stock. This helps Americans in negative three ways 1. Doesn't reward investors 2. No additional jobs will be created in any way 3. A foundation for future growth is not forseeable.

Romney brings out the big guns in New Hampshire with the first television advertisement of the race. Using an innovative campaign approach, Romney's ad will be attacking Obama for his economic leadership just as Obama lands in the state to talk about job growth. The ad will feature a large family conservatively dressed on a farm with several wives, 300 children, and one husband.

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While You Were Rearing - Monday Edition

[adsenseyu5] The between 1st and second class has never been higher. For those who can afford it, Airlines are now charging $15,000 for international flights--offering three course meals and massages on board. For the 99% who can't, the airline is offering a walk through viewing of 1st class free of charge. Rough housing, pushing, and running are not allowed within two feet of the 1%ers, as this could easily disjoint their experience or slip a toupee. Photos are allowed after a signed disclosure agreement. Baggage fees still apply.

Archaic parents with e-readers are demanding their children learn mandates such as shapes and colors the old-fashioned way--even going so far as to sign a petition that their children's finger tips can only turn pages. In a recent consumer case study, vomiting is both easier and faster to clean up on pages as opposed to shiny gadgets.

Google apps for business, Google's cloud communication, is Google's best business application. It's helping Google build social networks. Watch out Facebook, Google + may not be a party of one for too much longer. Google's Marketing Manager will launch a new campaign next month and add a MySpace fan page for Google +.

Cigna will begin selling coverage in India, where 85% of the population is without care. Cigna experienced a drop in share last quarter due to Employee expense healthcare when employees reported high levels of PTSD from denying valid claims.

 

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Pepper Spray Job Resume

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Objective: To obtain a job successfully torturing innocent victims

  • Obtained unprecedented retinal damage, totaling 2K eyes with potential reach of 5K, depending on level of diffusion
  • Represented Corrupt Police Officials nationwide using rapid response capabilities
  • Decreased protester's moral by 80%, and back talk by more than 50% under strict deadlines
  • Persuaded numerous eyes to close by utilizing inflammatory response to cause pain, and tears
  • Coordinated operations and communications with retina nerve endings across various departments, steering the success of torture
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Childhood Threats, Therapy, and Their Analysis

[adsenseyu5] Jerk a Knot in Your Tail - Two problems surface immediately. One, I don't have a tail and two, if you were referring to my tail bone how would you get it into a pretzel?

Skin You Alive - This phrase alone caused unprecedented hikes in therapy.

Snatch you Ball Headed - How painful.

If you don't stop that crying, I'll give you something to cry about! - One, I'm already crying so you don't need to give me anything. Two, thanks for being thoughtful.

You better straighten up and fly right or I'll knock your teeth down your throat and you'll spit 'em out in single file - Hmmmm, spit them out single file. That's a little too type A for me. I also get discouraged with redundancy.

Get your butt off your shoulders! - How would one's butt make it to their shoulders? And how would removing my butt from my shoulders make things better?

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While You Reared, Fabulous Friday Update

[adsenseyu5] Michelle Obama started the rally for her husband at a democratic fund-raising conference Thursday night. The First Lady, who has embraced obesity as her cause, is fired up soon after Congress made more than 30 million children fatter by refusing to cut the sodium in school lunches by 50%. I heart special interest groups.

Head leaders of the Mormon church spent millions on an ad campaign to find out that Americans come up with four adjectives when thinking about Mormons: secretive, sexist, pushy, and anti-gay. Romney's Campaign Manager advised him to narrow these down,  as four adjectives in a description prove overwhelming.

Mother, She Wrote gives this weeks 'Idiot Award' to an Egyptian blogger, who blogged nude photos to promote inequality and freedom of speech. Liberals in Egypt have quickly published statements denying connections with her --fearing this will severely hurt their election chances. The Nudes have caused outrage from both rigid and liberal Muslims across the nation. “Freedom,” wrote one detractor, “is not the same as degradation and prostitution.” Freakin Yikes!

Kuwait gets a surprise welcome to the Arab Spring when protesters and law makers stormed parliament demanding the Prime Minister's resignation. Their efforts were very similar to OWS, proving goalless and disorderly.

 

As we embrace the two month anniversary of the protest with no goal, 175 protesters across the nation are arrested when they refuse to stop occupying. The popo arrested 20 in NY, but sadly, Mother, She Wrote won't grant these victims the 'Shining Star Award' this week because they failed to shut down the NY stock exchange. Maybe next time?

The International Atomic Energy Agency wants to slap a resolution reprimanding Iran for their secret work on an atomic weapon.

After a closed door meeting leaders decided to use words such as 'sunshine, rainbow, and unicorn' in the document as opposed to 'atomic, weapon, and bomb' to avoid a tantrum from China and Russia.

 

Unfortunately, 91 stranded whales died on the shores of New Zealand and Australia this week--no doubt trying to run away from Japan's relentless whale hunters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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